A broken world…

Yesterday was one of those broken days… Days where you realize how broken the world is, how broken people are, how broken I am. Brutal murders and people tearing each other apart is currently a greater part of the world’s reality than love and respect is. Some of my friends getting an abortion due to being unmarried and having an unplanned pregnancy… is this not also killing of your own child? Or has the lines between black and white faded so much, that all we now can see is one shade of grey? My country’s State Of the Nation Adress (SONA) was the biggest circus that you will ever see in a parliament. This SONA indicates the instability of the county’s people. Everyday on Facebook I see how someone has been murdered on a farm but it never reaches any official media outlets. Racism is still very alive here. Homophobia is practiced and praised and sometimes even by my own family. I would share my beliefs and lessons I have learned, which are treasures to me as I paid a big price to learn them, only to find that people throw them out to the pigs and call it judgmental.

I have to ask myself WHY? WHY ARE WE SO BROKEN! Why can we not do the right thing, when we know what is the right thing to do. We know that the wrong thing would destroy others and even ourselves, yet we cannot stop destroying. From a scientific point of view, looking at the timeline since humans started exponentially growing, the human race is the most deadly and destructive virus that the Earth has ever seen. Our species alone have caused hundreds of other whole species to go extinct (Bringing forth massive extinction event in earth’s history). We burn and use so much of resources that the rest of nature has to step aside or blatantly be killed so that we can build another shopping mall, even though there is already three in that town. Lilly Allen has a song, “FEAR”, the chorus is:

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
And I’ll be taken over by the fear

Read more: Lily Allen – The Fear Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Read it again and think about the world we live in. You will see that she is singing about the world’s mentality. HUMANS = WEAPONS of MASSIVE CONSUMPTION. We have been PROGRAMMED (like robots by the world/media) to function like this. We don’t know what is RIGHT or REAL anymore (Rainbow with one grey pigment). People are still searching for answers, but the questions they are asking leads them into downward spirals of massive destruction. People ask themselves: “How can I have more?” rather than “How can I be content with what I have?”

People ask themselves: “How do I find a more attractive partner?”, rather than “How can I learn to love my partner deeper?”

People ask themselves: “How can I become more successful?”, rather than “How can my life have more meaning?”

The chorus ends with the line, ‘And I will be taken over by fear’. My interpretation of this is the FEAR OF DEATH. Running after all these ‘goals’ of money, fame and success is an empty journey that manifests itself fully the moments before death in the greatest fear of all. It only becomes clear as you ‘exit’ the ‘rat race’:

“I have spent my whole life to gather wealth and fame, now I will lose everything, I lived as if I will never die and never invested into what happens after the threshold of death, where I am standing now.”

Our souls want to live forever and inherently we know death is not the end of our souls, yet we (in general) humans, live as if our body is all there is. Pleasure and Power is all some people live for. This mentality is enforced, promoted and controlled by media, as they know that these things will program people to become MASSIVE CONSUMERS and bring in revenue to the Product Producer, giving them more money and more power.

Can you see that asking the right question is more important than finding the right answer to it?

Jesus said in Matthew 7:7, that whatever we are continually seeking after, we will find. I initially thought this meant if we seek God, we will find Him. It surely does mean that, but that is just one application. This ‘promise’ is one amazing PROMISE to every human soul. This is (in my opinion), what the LAW of ATTRACTION is, or ‘The Secret’ as some may refer to it. This ‘Law’ states that whatever you want and focus on, the ‘Universe’ would give you. You just need to focus and meditate on it enough.

When you focus and meditate on it, you become aware of it and start searching for it. You start seeking whatever you want to ‘obtain’. Jesus said that Father would give you whatever you are searching for, if you keep on searching for it. The law of attraction, in my opinion, is therefore a spin off of Matt 7:7. This means if I seek to have the most expensive Lamborghini and I seek it above all else, God would ‘reward’ my seeking, by giving it to me. This does not mean I do nothing, it means that I exhort all my time, effort and resources on seeking this Lamborghini and in time, I will receive it. But there is a side to this that few of us learn when get something we really wanted, only to realize we never needed it and we have grossly overestimated it’s value: The time spent on finding the desired object, can never be regained. This is where the FEAR sets in it’s claws.

In conclusion, I think we (humans) are the reason the world is in the broken, destructive and evil state it is in, we cannot blame God or nature. If every human has the Promise to receive what he/she is seeking after, we better make sure we are seeking for the truth/meaning and not some materialistic decoy, for once we spend our time, we have lost it forever. We destroy our own world because we are seeking ’empty goals’.

Mysteries

Since I can remember I have always had an interest in the ‘supernatural’. It has been one of my biggest desires, as a kid, to be swept away into some magical world. I also had an insanely strong imagination. From a psychological point of view, this could possibly be explained by the fact that my family life was insecure and to cope with all this, I escaped by entering into this ‘imagined’ world. I have learned though, that psychology is looking from the outside into a test tube, like dissecting a frog. You cannot cut open and see how the frog works when the frog is still alive. So when psychology looks at these things and form their theories, they don’t see the whole picture as the frog is dead, they cannot experience what the person in question is experiencing.

When I was a boy, barely starting with school, I did not really have any ‘human’ friends, but I was not lonely. Almost everyday after school, I would be outside, playing in the sand, walking through the garden and using my imagination to see wonder in every small thing. I could play with my toys for hours on end, busy telling stories of magnificent proportions that no one else would ever know about. Every time I came back, the story would continue and in this way, I think it would feel similar to how kids today watch their cartoon series.

These toys, games and activities were more than just an idea or theory, they were part of my reality. More than all of these, I had a ‘friend’ which lived in the wind. Once I started singing in the choir in grade 1, I felt that when I sing, the friend in the Wind would sing with me. I started spending hours outside playing while singing with the Wind. The more I felt the song’s emotion/energy, the more I would notice the wind blowing stronger. The wind was my friend. It felt like he communicated with me through the movement of leaves/branches or as I feel him blow over me.

I also felt like he taught me how to create ‘spells’ and I used to write down the different spells. Remember, back then there was no internet and I had no access to any information regarding ‘spells’. I also learned how to call to the wind. It is a specific sound I would make to call him. I learned this from him when I was grade 2. The strangest thing happened when I was grade 6 and we had a substitute teacher for history. A very old man, but his passion for history got us all interested in history. The one day he then told us that the old people (his grandparents) used to call the wind so that the rain can come on their farms and nourish the fields! He then made the sound that they used to call it and it was exactly the same way I called the wind! It was so strange to me, since no one ever taught me accept the wind himself. I did not believe I controlled the wind, but rather that the wind listened to me and cared for me.

When I was in grade 3, I started making friends with some classmates and I did not get as much chance to play with the wind as I used to and it became a lesser part of my life. Even though it was lesser, I sensed the wind’s presense and would frequently spend time with him throughout my primary school (till I was about 13). The belief I took hold of as an adult is that it was just my imagination that manifests in something that I really longed for, a caring friend. If I listen to my heart though, I know it was much more than just my own imagination. The mysterious and supernatural draws me to itself as I cannot accept that life is just what we can see with our physical eyes, there must be MUCH MORE.

My imagination also made itself very well known while I was sleeping in the form of dreams. I have most of my life had intense vivid dreams that I would be able to remember. When I was a kid, some of those dreams were so intense that I can remember them as if it was a clear memory of yesterday. Some of the dreams were so real and deeply meaningful that I started believing that they must be more than just dreams. I had many good dreams where I was flying or having fun, others I would almost be like an observer of people and places I have never seen in my life. Others still were very scary which paralyzed me with fear. Some dreams I would even have the ability of telekinesis. One of the dreams that I remember as clear as day was when I was about 9 years old. I was at the primary school and my parents were with me there. They were crying and saying that they will miss me, but I courageously said that they need not to worry, this is what I was meant to do. In the dream I was voluntarily given myself up to be crucified with a handful of people in the school. Picking up my cross and following God (even though in my small logic mind, I had no idea that is what the dream was saying back then). After I got on the cross and died in the dream, I was suddenly in ‘space’, where I could see thousands of stars around me and I am in a cue to go through a white hole at the start of the que. The man in front of me had white shining robes on and felt like he was an angel, but he had no wings. As a kid, I assumed that the man in front of me will know where we are going. So I asked him, “Where are we going?”, he then replied: “We are on our way to Heaven”. Just before he climbed through the white hole/portal, I asked him: “Am I going to heaven when I die?”, his answer has bothered me since that day, since he said, “Maybe” and disappeared through the portal and I woke up. This dream played a major role later in my life when I got involved in the cult, but I had many many dreams that were as vivid as this one most of my life. In recent years I have been able to sometimes control a dream completely, which they call Lucid Dreaming where I can experience anything I want to.

In the scientific field we do not know exactly why we dream, it remains a bit of a mystery. Evolutionists theorize that we dream as this gives us a virtual playground where we can learn how to deal with our present dangers and overcome them, so that we can overcome them in the ‘real’ world as well. This theory makes sense, but it remains that, a theory. Theories change over time and get replaced as we see and discover more about the investigated object. Science believed that Earth was flat at one point. Then it realized we are spherical (more oval/elliptic). It thought that we were the center of the universe, just to later realize that we are not even in the center of our own solar system, but like a spec of dust in a random part of our galaxy, which is but one galaxy of a billion other KNOWN galaxies. Then Science theorized that the universe is eternal. It has always existed and always will. This theory was so strongly accepted that Einstein fudged his equations so that the universe looks eternal, but after the evidence became overwhelming, he confessed that he fudged the equation. The correct equation revealed that the universe had a beginning and is expanding in size. In recent years they have revealed that the universe is not just expanding, but the expansion is accelerating, exponentially! Current science does not have solid theories as to why this is happening. The mathematics of matter and energy in space does not add up and the center of a black hole is impossible to comprehend with our mathematical system. In engineering the Second Law of Thermodynamics can be summed up as Entropy: The law that energy will always become more disordered (lower energy state) and why everything in life deteriorates over time. Our cells start losing their capability to copy 100% correctly and over time their life span decreases and we age, to eventually die (Talomere lengths of red bood cells decrease). This law is therefore used in all systems to explain the efficiency and degrading of itself and the law can never be broken according to the theory. Last year some scientists proved, theoretically, that this law could be BROKEN!!! We cannot begin to understand what this means for energy efficiency or even life itself.

I am saying all these things to show that theories are great to use and understand our world, but all theories have flaws and we should take note of these flaws so that we do not lift theories up to the level of absolute truth, like we do so many times. The world is much more mysterious than we think, but to understand it, we create theories in the form of mental models to simplify the world, so that we can control and work in it. It just takes one specific discovery or experience to destroy the theory and possibly, destroy your whole reality.

The Last Push

The last push for me starting this blog, is my current need to express my thoughts, desires and emotions in an anonymous, yet completely ‘filter less’ way. A good friend suggested I try blogging, I always wanted to and now I needed to.

Currently I am working in a small team of 6 people (including my manager). Even though my work building has more than 400 people, it is only us 6 who make things happen for our little cul-de-sac. In 2015 I was allocated to be the mentor of a new chemical engineer, I will refer to him as Lumen. From 2015 till august 2016, Lumen and myself worked well together. He progressed very well and took on more projects. He helped out with a lot of the workload I had to carry. He is of a different ethnic origin as myself, our cultures differed immensely and our character’s were literally opposites.

One day I was feeling sad about something and Lumen invited me over to his place. We talked a while and started sharing things about our lives with each other which we have never done before. I started seeing the real Lumen through the thick wall around his well guarded heart and I also opened up (ever so slightly) a little more of me.

(PAUSE: This is the main concept in this blog today, that when one heart connects with another, even just a little, a very unique bond is grown between the two hearts, a bond that gives so much joy, but if not careful, can also consume at least one of the hearts.)

After this bond connected us in a new way, I started speaking to Lumen more and trusting him with more and more of myself, as he also did. Now before you think Lumen is gay, he is definitely NOT. He absolutely despised gay people. He is one of the biggest players I have ever met and girls almost ‘fall’ at his feet, as he is charismatic, good looking, intelligent and (most of all) full of self confidence. I then, as a gay guy, starting realizing that I am getting more and more attracted to him. He was blatantly honest with his failures and I learnt to become more honest with mine as well. He taught me many things, even though he is three years younger than me.

I then hit a bad patch as my gay cousin went through hell and it upset me how he was treated, that it started affecting me emotionally at work. Lumen then asked me more about this cousin and I realized that this was possibly a way to tell him that I am gay. Don’t ask me why a gay guy would tell his painfully straight jock friend that he is gay, but I wanted to anyway. I felt I needed to. I cannot live in this visage of falseness with such a close friend. So one evening I was at his place and I talked about my cousin again and I started expanding on it and then I switched to explain that you cannot choose the cards you are dealt, you can only decide how you are going to play them. He then said, ‘well you always have a choice’. He went into a homophobic rampage against gay people and how wrong it should be and I immediately started withdrawing and I knew he realized at that point in time that I am gay. I could see the sudden regret on his face. Just a few moments before that he said, “If my son was gay, I would punch him till he becomes straight. If he is still not straight, I will ensure that he gets so many girls that they turn him straight.”

This hurt me soooo much, as I have battled against myself in not wanting to accept I am gay. I destroyed my life because I hated that part of me and now this ‘friend’ of mine thinks it is a ‘choice’ and one of the biggest sins. As time went on, he started hinting to me that he knows I am gay and about a month after that homophobic night, I confessed to him my sexuality. His response then really deepened our friendship, as he accepted me completely. He apologized for his ‘reaction’ to gay people, as he was just playing the typical ‘Jock’ role, as required from his stature. He did warn me though that I should not make a move on him, as that would result in a nose bleed for me, but I am still his “Boy”. This meant that I am part of his inner circle of friends and he will do almost anything for them. I would also do almost anything for him as well.

At that point in time, the bond started becoming so strong, that my heart started aching to be around him. During the month’s after that, LIFE/THE UNIVERSE constructed it in such a way that Lumen and myself had to spend a lot of time together for work. At office work and site work. We lived in the same beach-front apartment for almost a week (for work reasons). During this time, my heart’s desire grew into an obsession. An obsession that started small but slowly consumed my whole thought process. In the next few blogs I will talk about this obsession more, as I have learned we all have some form of obsession at least once in our lives.

Lumen and I are very close today. We are like brothers of Yin and Yang. His Yang has changed my Yin and my Yin has changed his Yang, but according to logic and reason, we should still be on the opposite sides of life, but through friendship we have become a complimentary synergy. If only the heart was tamable by human hands, then Yin would not have almost destroyed Yang, as Yang unknowingly destroyed Yin…. giving me that last Push to start this blog.

Welcome to my Life

This is my first blog… ever. Since I will stay anonymous, I will be freely speaking about many things in my personal life which very few people know or able to be honest about. So as an introduction, let me state just how much of an Iceberg my life is:

The Part of the Iceberg above water (Which most people know):

I am a qualified chemical engineer working for a big company and making a difference in it. I have won a few awards for my work, went to an international conference last year and made an impact there. People almost always say that I am the most approachable person they know. I have amazing true friends who mean the world to me. A family that supports me. I absolutely love helping people and seeing them grow, that is my passion. I won the mentor of the year award at my work in 2016 and helped multiple people, in my free time, pass their mathematics and some of them even achieving distinctions where they previously could not understand the work. I now believe I can achieve whatever I want to, limits are only in our minds, the world is filled with opportunity…

The large part of the iceberg under the water (Which very few people know):

I will try to keep it short… Brace yourself…

I am a gay man and in my effort to ‘cure’ my ‘disease’ I went further into religion, to the extent where I unknowingly joined a religious cult. They obviously believed it was one of the biggest sins and I fought against it harder and harder. I fell in love with a straight guy that was in the cult with me and the obsession started. It grew stronger and stronger the more I fought it and the more I ‘gave up’ my life, for the vision of the cult. I felt close to God in that time. The obsession and strange teachings from the cult (and some divine intervention), lead me to a psychosis in 2012 just before my 23rd Birthday. My pastor then mentally, spiritually and even physically hurt me when I went to him for help and in my confused state, some good people found me and I was taken to hospital. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and lost almost everything dear to me at that time. I lost my family (Church family) and was rescued by my ‘biological’ family, whom I have almost written off due to the cult brain washing. That same brainwashing made my ‘chosen’ family (cult) to push me away, shun me and call me demon possessed. I lost my ability to think, reason and problem solve, which was one of my biggest idols. Being so angry with God, I threw away my faith. I lost my heart and desire to live. If it was not for this ‘biological’ family who showed me what REAL LOVE meant, I would have surely taken my life. I was then further diagnosed with major depression with psychotic tendencies. This diagnosis put me on many pills, each one making me feel less emotions, less human. I hated everything bout myself. In the process of 1 year, I gained more than 20 kg in fat, becoming obese. At that point I had to realize I am an obese, gay, brainwashed man with a mental illness. At the age of 24 I felt my life was already over…

My life is very different now and I have learned that the deeper the roots of a tree, the higher up it can grow. The seasons also make the tree change. Trees are beautiful in Spring with blossoms, in Summer they give us nourishment from their fruits, in Autumn they have beautiful leaves, but then start losing them and in Winter they are barren and look dead, with almost no beauty. We are like these trees and life will take us through the same seasons, but even in the winter, the tree still grows and gets stronger to make the next winter more bearable.