Real Friends – Agents of God in disguise

This blog is dedicated to what real friendship has meant to me and why it is important.

My previous entree was really depressing to say the least, but it was needed to let off steam in a non-destructive manner. I feel much much better now. This is mainly because of the REAL FRIENDS I have in my life.

This whole blog (My Journey in Life) would have never started if I did not have real friends in my life. When I say real friends, I am not talking about those people you greet friendly and talk about the general pains of life. In my life, in my world, I have that with almost everyone, but I know not everyone has that approach. When I am talking about REAL FRIENDS, I am talking about those people that when life hits you hard and you feel broken and destroyed, they start running to you while many others run away. Many times you do not even need to say anything, they pick it up and start running immediately. When they arrive, they don’t criticize or judge. They don’t evaluate if I am worthy of their love, they just give it without expecting anything back. They only supply advice if I request advice from them, because they know that I do not need a logic answer to my circumstance. I need a caring shoulder to cry upon and let all the bad thoughts in my head surface, so that the light can come and consume them like fire consuming dead foliage. When they do give advice they use humility and understanding to make sure we are on the same page but if I am making mistakes and I’m unaware of it, they will also tell me to gently investigate my own heart to make me aware of the destructive behavior I am exercising.

These real friends are rare. Their value can never be estimated correctly, which leaves me to define their value as priceless. Which they are. No amount of Gold or Diamonds can give me the same support and security that these REAL FRIENDS have already given me.

One of these REAL FRIENDS supported me to such an extent during my emotional disconnection and farewell with Lumin, that I could learn the source of one the deepest recurring patterns in my life. Something that I could feel and slightly understand, yet could never diagnose. Very gently she showed me, through her own life and in my life why she thinks this could be the source of my emotional turmoil. She was spot on and in a moment, it felt like another one of the huge puzzles I was trying to solve in my life, just got it’s center piece in place! In rational terms, it is defined as Cognitive Dissonance. It seems like a complex word and it can be, but in short it is when you have two incompatible believes in your mind and you don’t know which one you really believe. Because you can’t choose, your mind jumps from the one to the other continuously and the more cardinal this belief is for you, the greater the pressure and faster mental deterioration you will experience. It felt like: That is my life’s issues summed up in two words! This friend has most likely changed the course of my journey to a better road, one with more understanding and self awareness. Not just my life but eternity, for I look at my beliefs and other’s beliefs very differently now.

This is not the first time this specific friend has changed my course. In a much darker and confusing part of my life, she again put everything aside to come running after me and just listen and care. I experienced no other intentions from her other than to just be there for me. She gently said that whatever I was experiencing, she feels slight deception somewhere. In this little word, “Deception”, said so gently, she started a new thought in my confused mind. One that grew and finally enabled the confusion to fade. You see, I was so deceived but did not even realize it. I would have listened to no one else, because of the deception, but because of her, her real, loving and relentless friendship, God could start unbinding my misunderstanding. If I did not know her history and parents, I would have thought she was nothing less than a real Angel. Angels are messengers of God. Which she was then and still is today, but rest assured she is human (before you call the NCIS or something), it just revealed to me that every now and then, God speaks directly through her, without her even necessarily knowing. That’s just how He rolls. He works in the unseen but when His Work comes to pass, you cannot help but stand back and declare: “This is a miracle, only God could do this”. His fingerprints becoming visible. I have found that God loves to hang out with me and my real friends. I think He enjoys His children’s laughter and love. I am not always aware of His presence, but I know He is there and when I do become aware, my heart enlarges like a hot air balloon and I rise into the sky with Him.

I feel like the most blessed person on earth to have a few of these REAL FRIENDS in my life. You can never have too many, but because they are so rare, you will always at most have but a few. Another one of these real friends was in the cult with me. I ‘evangelized’ her into the cult but God had other plans.  He used the two of us, in a really miraculous way, to bring down the whole international organization’s power, without us even knowing. When we found out, we could do nothing but just cry in disbelief, yet inexpressible gratitude. Another friend was the first one ever that I have told I was gay, me and him have been friends for more than 14 years now (I’m almost 28), so half of my life he has been there. Both of us have been to hell and back (matter of expression) but hand in hand which enabled a friendship to grow so deeply, that it feels like nothing can uproot it. Both of us continuously being molded and sharpened by each other. These three people (I have a few more real friends, but these three specifically), have transformed my life drastically and I really do believe that God has been part of that transformation every single time, even if they do not even realize it.

Finally I just want to say that none of these REAL FRIENDSHIPS are a one sided deal. We both fall down and we both help each other up. I always try my best to extend the same REALNESS that they give me. I am sensitive to their cries for help, as they are for mine. I enjoy spending time with them, every time, and I believe they feel the same way. The biggest problem in our friendships are that there just seems to never be enough time. When we build our friendships, God is part of it, He weaves and teaches us how to love and therefore I believe that these friendships are already in His Eternal Books. Even though these friendships reach deep into my being, I get the feeling, that these are just small sprouts compared to what God has planned for us in Eternity. Unimaginable joy and love, He will use our Real Friends for. It is in these relationships where I learn more about Love and acceptance. About sacrifice and what life really is all about. Where to find my peace and how to treat others. Every time I meet them, my heart is stronger and life just makes sense. I can see God’s finger prints in their lives and reassures me that He will hold them and myself close to His Heart, to the end of life and the rest of eternity. The communion between believers, is what I experience with them, a.k.a. Church in biblical terms.

Life is about relation and I believe that was one of Jesus’ main teachings. He said that the greatest law of all is: “Love your God with all your heart, mind and strength and your neighbor as yourself.” This is also referred to as the Law of Christ, which some biblical scholars believe, including me, that in it, it fulfilled all the other laws. The other laws were just shadows and instructions of how to apply this one law.

I pray that while you are reading this and you don’t have friends like these, that God will make you aware of who this could be in your life while He simultaneously prepares the other person’s heart for it as well. That you may learn the Law of Christ together, which will transform your life forever and become a Light for the world to see and find shelter and Love. I testify of experiencing this already and I cannot wait to see where God is taking us next.

Advertisements

Goodbye Lumin

The following piece is written as if it was written to him. This is done for myself and to get it out of my mind and into writing, so that I do not need to think about it anymore. I don’t think there will be any value for most other people in reading this. So my warning is given upfront.

 

I asked to meet up with you to hang out two weeks ago. You said yea, it is fine. You suggested that we meet up and test the playstation together yourself. I was already weary about it, because you have already promised to meet up multiple times but for the past 6 months, failing to do every single time. One week ago you started telling your other friends that I am here this weekend and that I want to meet up, we should all meet up.

(Later that day I explained to him that I would prefer meeting up with him alone, because we have not met up after work in such a long time)

Even after I explained to you that we have not met after work in such a long time, you still did not understand why we can’t just meet us a group of friends instead. To me that means that you don’t want to have a one to one conversation with me. That you don’t want to be alone with me. You dislike it. To me that is not friendship. Especially if this one to one meetup only happens once in 6 months. But you said it is ok, we can meetup. You then said lets just make it Friday evening and I said yea cool.

The week passed and Thursday afternoon you started saying that you are going to call in ‘sick’ the next day because you have to tend to some of your own business outside of work. I then just checked to ask if we are still meeting up. We planned this two weeks ahead of schedule because you told me that we can’t meet during the weekday evenings because it is too hectic for you, we can’t meet weekends because it is too hectic and I am only here every second weekend. I have suggested that we meet at work every week for a short time, like you and Ntobeko do, but you told me that work has just become too busy as well to meet up. That is why we had to ‘plan’ this meet up, because it was clear that you had no free time for a normal casual meet up unless it is a planned event. Thus this friday. But on that thursday, after checking if we are still meeting, you started telling me that you have to see you girlfriend on Friday and you could see that it bothered me a lot. It did not bother me that you were going to your girlfriend. Not at all, but that you were trading the one engagement that I changed my plans around for, for someone you hang out with much more. You then rethinked the direction you were going and said, sure we can still hang out. I asked around what time and you said around 18h00.

On the friday you were not at work, as you said and asked me to let you know when I get home. So when I got home at 16h00, I asked you how was the day and around what time would you be able to come. You explained that you were going to train and then after that come by my place. So I asked should we get something to eat and around what time do you think you will be finished. You just responded with ‘I dunno, we’ll see’. So one answer to both then I assumed. I didn’t know if I should get food for myself or I should just wait for you and then we will decide. So I just waited. 18h00 you say that you are done and on your way. 10 min later you call me and say that you are running about 15 min late. At 18h55 you pitch up at my place. It didn’t really bother me that you were later than you said, I was so used to you being late with everything. Before you came, I actually bought a co-op game. I went on the net and searched for the best ps4 co-op games and found the one’s that are on special because I have learned not to invest into something expensive with you. So we tried playing it and struggled because I have not played it before but it was more than that. You did not enjoy it at all. I started showing you game after game and you just showed little to no interest. It was worse than that, you actually showed an extensive dislike and did not even try to engage much or understand. I pulled out the beers I bought the last time you were at my place, 6 months ago and we found that they have already expired by 5 days. You took 2 sips and nothing more. You were on your phone most of the time and every now and then made remarks on what this other friend and you were talking about. How Snarf was like, where are you Lumin, I am enjoying a Stella and you were like yea, you want to be there. You get a phone call from one girl asking when are you gonna meet her and she is waiting for you. This was like 19h30 and you said, I will see you around 20h30 to 21h00. I was a little annoyed because I have moved out my plans, fulfilled all the requirements you put down for meeting up which only happens once in 6 months and you cannot even spend an hour here. Even spending time with me is more like you spending it with all your other friends because you are constantly talking with them over whatsapp and actual calls. after you put down the phone, you said that you will probably meet her at 22:00 or later or maybe not at all. You are very tired. I thought OK, so he wants to enjoy the evening as friends and have some fun, like I thought we used to. You even told me that you were lying to her and did not want to see her till later or maybe not at all the whole evening. When 20h00 came, you got another phone call from a friend and talked for a few minutes. You were so absorbed into your own life that you did not even listen to anything I was saying. You paid little to now effort to the games I wanted to show you and showed no enjoyment in it. You would ask me the same questions over and over and not listen when I answer. Constantly I am experiencing this which means you are not really there. After the phone call, you said, you have to go to this girl now. She is waiting and it hit me that she was not the one you were lying to, you were actually lying to me. It was your plan. I actually moved out my plans in seeing Oma (possible romatic friend) the evening so that we can hang out, because we have not hanged out in such a long time, yet you could not do the same? After an hour you had enough of me, more like, you tolerated me for an hour, like some obligation that you just had to get through. I then confronted you in saying that we will probably not hang out again soon and you said we can hang out as a group of friends. I then explained why I wanted to hang out on Friday just the two of us and you said it still didn’t make sense. We had a long discussion where you keep on reasoning that you want to strengthen the bonds between me and Nto and Nele as well, so that we can all hang out but I forced you to hang out with only me. I then explain that that has not been the case but if we can only meet up once in 6 monhts, I would rather spend that one meetup with you, as I assumed you are a close friend, than with a group of friends because that is not really connecting as close friends. You said that makes no sense to you at all. We argued about this and you kept saying you don’t agree and don’t understand. You kept on that I was almost ‘rejecting’ your friends and ONLY want to spend time with you all the time. I explained that if we hang out regularly after work, this would have made sense to tell me this is what I have done, but we have not hanged out as friends for 6 months and then the ONLY time we find in that 6 months to hang out. Then you tell me that we should rather spend it in a group of friends. Clearly that means that you don’t want to hang out and that is not friendship. You then tell me that this is how you treat all your friends, but I know you hang out alone with a friend from time to time. You then say that you only do this in emergency situations and that you don’t do it normally like that. I then ask about Nto because you guys meet up most mornings for breakfast, only the two of you and you discuss life. I am not asked to be a part of it. The one day I was there, you made me feel so unwelcome that I realised you didn’t want me there and all the days after you never ask me to join. You said nothing about that, for you it means it is true but you don’t want to confirm that it is true.

You went to out, probably to the girls place. I don’t know. You told me why am I making a big thing out of this, because you can’t see the bigness of it. It was clear to me. You don’t like spending time with me as a friend, it looks like you hate it: You are almost constantly busy talking on your phone and you don’t even listen to what I am saying. I can basically just be invisible and you will not even notice I am gone. This is while it is just you and me. But it is because you are having many conversations with other people while we are hanging out. I set time aside to a friend that shows little to now interest in my life, self absorbed in his own, does not try to understand my viewpoints yet demands his own to be the ultimate logic. Twists my arguments to prove Im wrong and constructs dualminded arguments that seem true but is not even talking to the problem at hand. Resulting in saying something which is true, but that truth was not adressing the problem at hand. If I agree with the truth you think you have adressed the problem and it is done, but in reality you were not even close to the problem.

As you left, I crawled into myself. I could feel a part of me dying inside. I wrote a long message which took me almost 2 hours to write over whatsapp to try and explain that its not like I don’t want to be friends with your friends but if I have to choose between meeting up with you or you and your friends and this only happens so seldomly, I would choose the first because we already meet during work hours as a group of friends. The next day you told me my reasoning makes no sense and the way I see friendship is something you has never seen in your life before. I am expecting special treatment from you and you are not gonna give me anything more than you do your other friends. That means you only meet up with friends when it is an emergency. When they need something from you or you from them. The rest of the time you always meet up in groups of friends. In my mind I am recalling so many times where you meet with Nto for breakfasts, Snarf for a movie or training with only him and you, Udi from the up north that just piches up at your place and you drink beers together. All these contradict your words and happens much more often than once every 6 months. You then tell me that I force my idea of friendship on you. I like to have friendships run a certain way and if they don’t its like either my way or the high way. Yet you are the one telling me that you don’t meet one on one with friends unlesss its an emergency and that you don’t give special treatment to me. It’s either your way or the high way. You accuse me of something you do yourself. Consistenly. Repetitively.

There is a much deeper issue here. It was nothing to do with us meeting up. It was much much deeper. These days, whatever I say, you would either dismiss or challenge. It does not really matter what it is. It can be like me saying it is cold today and then you would be like, it warmer than yesterday but 20 minutes ago you were complaining about how cold you were getting. This was not taking place once in a while, it was more like 80% of the time you would do this. Initially I thought is was me who either made it up or who brought it out of you. Then I did introspection and realized that I was doing it slightly as well. I made a conscious effort to stop and thought you would also stop because I was the source of the issue. But you continued. No stopping. I started noticing other things. Slight body language things. You would be nice to everyone in the office, but when you got to me, your body language changes to close up and withdraw. I thought, maybe it is because I have done that and I started being conscious of keeping my body language the same and vibrant as with all the other employees, but you attitude towards me was still much colder. I realised that you don’t really allow me into your life anymore even when I opened a door to mine and shared my life. All this happened in the 6 months. I saw you last. Your reactions to not meet up one to one actually aligns to all these.

Your definition of friendship has been slightly modified to exclude my definition and in your mind you just altered it but in reality we have the same definition. You just can’t tell me that because that will expose all of this.

Why though. Why did this happend. I have a few theories but will never know:

  1. You just don’t like to show anyone who you really are. The moment someone tries to become deep with you, you run the other direction. You are out of your comfort zone and you hate it. Give you the centre stage in a party or any party and you are in your element. This tells me that you don’t showing people who you really are because you either got hurt of have something to hide. Maybe even both. I am clearly not welcome into that space anymore.
  2. You are just so unaware of your own actions, that you project what you do unto others and blame them for it. It fits with the first point because you hide from who you are yourself and therefore you don’t like going there. You tell me that I don’t want to find the middle ground, yet, every time we have had an argument, the argument ends in you speaking for 5 minutes on end explaining how I need to change because I am the one causing the problems. I believed you and tried my best to change accordingly. But after the 6th time of saying sorry and accepting blame for the situation and you not even acknowledging your own mistakes and failures, I realised you really are not aware of your actions. Its only about altering the conversation into the direction of blaming me and then freeing yourself from the source of the arguement’s problem. I fell for it every time. But you use is so convincingly and you work it on so many people. Even to bribing police to get out of an impossible situation. To me this is more than just skill, it feels like there is a deeper spiritual element to it. Something that could have been used for good, but used for evil. Casually referred to as being charismatic, but this was like the supersayin level of charismatic.
  3. You don’t compromise for anyone but yourself. If someone does not conform to your ideas, then they are wrong or your differences disables any form of middle ground. Yet you accuse me of doing this to you all the time. While visa versa is true.
  4. I have seen you sometimes look at guys and it seems like somethings happens in you similarly to when you see a sexy woman. You constantly sleep with woman like you just can’t get enough or like you are trying to prove something to others and yourself. You are homophobic. You told me, just before I would have told you I am gay the first time, you would hit your own kid straight if he was gay or you would actually get dozens of girls for him to smash so that he would turn straight. The same evening you also told me you always have a choice. I have seen you once or twice look at me the way you sometimes look at something that interests you and then suddenly you push me back.
  5. Finally you told me that I am making our interactions awkward because I want to spend time with you. Like I want to ‘date’ you. Yet friendship is built on spending time with the friend. You stopped the conversation just after insinuating that I was hitting on you and that you don’t like this. This hurt me deeply because even though I actually found you attractive, I never made a move on you. Never. I respected you too much. But being accused of this while I was consciously fighting it not to ever happen, was the last straw. You were using my sexuality to justify my desire to spent time with a friend. Something that seemingly only can happen once in 6 months.

I was broken by this, but realised that some people, like you, who has no internal awareness, showed not be trusted with my inner world. My other friends came through for me this weekend and saved me from my self doubts on this whole ordeal. I realised that I am not the problem, but I can’t keep allowing myself to be in this situation. I need to get out.

The final question puzzle pieces I have, but I am not going to search for the rest of it is:

  • You are very homophobic, you bash gays a lot, not in my presence anymore, but I have noticed in the presence of others.
  • You agreed with me that the major homophobic people are many times homosexual themselves and they have to break down others so that they can prove to their friends as themselves that they are not.
  • The night I talked about homosexuality for the first time, you said that you always have a choice.
  • You sleep with so many girls that is really looks like you need to prove something to yourself or others, but it just never gets proven.
  • Things started going south very quickly between us, when I noticed it was like you were showing interest in me. You then closed me out. Not allowing me to enter into your inner life like you used to.

You make your own conclusion based on these things I have seen from my perspective but I almost hear your voice telling me that my perspectives are wrong because they have not included everything.

Finally I conclude in realizing there is no good in pursuing a close friendship with you, it will only ever be surface level. You need to learn who you really are and become more self aware before I can take your conclusions about me seriously. I am not who you think I am. You could have known, but you never really listened… I think I know more about you than you think I do, but I bury that treasure chest with its keys because there is no use for that information anymore. I need to move on, forget about investing into this friendship and just mimic your actions towards me, to you. Nothing more, nothing less and I will have so much more free energy and thinking time.

An Allegory

While spending time with God, the following flowed into my mind and out of my pen:

You exceed my understanding completely and transcend even the best image I can form of what I think GOOD is. You are faithful when I am horing around, You still Love me even while I am stabbing You in the back. Your Love does not stop or end, but it keeps on pursuing. Like no one can outrun Light photons, no One can outrun Your Presence.

Your Love stays constant but my ability to perceive and absorb Your Love grows. As it grows, more of Your Love can penetrate my Heart and Mind. It soothes the pain. It melts the anger. It calms the storms inside.

Next it starts permeating the soil. Nourishing it with Heaven’s rain and enables the dead and barren ground to become fruitful once more. In the streams of Love pouring from Your Heart, there is Your Son, Your Word. Your Word is like seed. Each piece of the Word is like a unique species of spiritual flora.

New Life

When the Word finds it’s place in the love-entrenched soil of the soul, which the Spirit has been preparing from the beginning of time, it germinates. The seeds are small, as a mustard seed and thus the sprout is almost invisible to the naked eye.

In the presence of these streams of Living Water and Light from the Father of Lights, it can grow quick. Initially growing a few inches taller, then to the height of a table, then as tall as a person and then a few meters high, wondrously increasing in height, breadth and thickness above the ground. Below the ground the trees grow to unseen depths, which keep them anchored forever.

Spring

When the spring season comes, the blossoms sprout and trees are covered in beautiful colors of magenta, orange, red, pink and blue sapphires. Many people smell the sweet fragrance from the soul that these blossoms fill the atmosphere with. The colour, joy and new life emanating from these trees draw people to them.

The blossoms then start changing to produce a small green fruit. As the Father’s Light shines on them, the tree keeps drinking from the everlasting Water and the Spirit breathing over it daily, the fruits grow to large, juicy, succulent and satisfying food. These trees have huge branches with their thick bushy leaves which creates a cool shelter and safety for others. The fruit feeds the many gathering under it. It gives it’s fruit freely and in every fruit there are many seeds that the eater can choose to plant into their own lives.

Autumn

With the autumn season approaching the trees’ leaves change colour and it is an amazing display of yellow brimstone, orange sunsets and red fire strokes all around. Slowly the leaves start falling to the ground. The tree starts losing its beauty and shows its naked branches to all. This exposes all the bends and breaks which where previously covered by the thick garment of leaves.

Since there is very little beauty left with only branches and dead leaves, people start walking away. The tree now looks like an old, morbid, joyless and timid version of it’s former self. Nobody came back for nourishment and the rejection felt by the Soul was very real. The dead leaves on the ground then starts rotting and the smell deters even more people. Till no other human is left even though the tree gave it’s fruit to others so freely and with so much love. The soul could easily feel rejection, but the soul knows that One has never left it.

Jesus remains in the soul, always. As the Husbandman He stays and starts cutting the branches of the trees. The trees losing all these branches and leaves, looks even smaller. Looking like it has lost so much. The dead branches and leaves decomposes and gives nourishment back into the soil of the soul and the Husbandman makes sure the compost is re-distributed correctly with the right ratio of water. This nourishment, Living Water, Warm Light and dynamic Breath from God leads to the tree still growing in the Winter. This growth is what gives the tree the thick rings in it’s stomp which enables the tree to grow high and strong. These dense rings also gives the tree the strength to carry all the leaves and fruit in the summer.

With spring coming back into season, the tree grows exponentially in the right direction because of good pruning. The tree grows even taller and bears more fruit in this Summer Season. Every year, this cycle repeats and every year, the trees become closer to being the shape that the Creator had in mind from before time began. Each year this Soul is able to feed more and bring more brothers and sisters running back into their Abba’s arms. It is only because the seeds are from God, grown by God and given by God to feed the poor in spirit.

So the Garden in the soul grows with more and more beauty every year until it becomes like the Garden of Eden once more. The Word that the Lord sends out will never return empty back to Him.

Night may be sorrowful, but in the Morning there is JOY!

I have realized I have not posted a blog in a very long time. Phew, a lot has happened after my previous morbid post. The main idea behind this post is the heading: Even though there may be many crying and despair in the night, in die darkness and cold, the morning is always coming and when the sun rises, it brings with it Light, warms and hopeful expectations. The evil monsters around you turn into the little shadows they actually always were. The morning brings joy, so much of it, but just before the morning begins, there is often times much sorrow.

I have been praying for those people in my life and yes, the battle for my own sanity was quite intense, but just because I tried to fight the battle in my own capacity. After my previous post, I spent some time with God. I worshiped, talked, listened and just hanged out with Him. Then the sun started to rise again. My eyes opened up again and I could see. In short here are some people I prayed for and what happened in their lives. I am not taking any credit, all glory is to God, the One who hears my prayers and actively works in the lives of all around me, but from my perspective, mostly in me :-). Real people, real stories that I have witnessed myself:

  • My aunt: After struggling with years of depression, gaining like 30 kg in weight, cannot stay awake even in mid conversations falling asleep, going to every doctor and even pseudo scientific doctors, no one could help. Her life suddenly made a 180 (suddenly = miracle from God in my eyes). She lost 20 kg already, got a great new job, is positive again and became who she was once before. In her own words, she says God has changed her life again.
  • My father (whom is an alcoholic) was also in disbelief that Jesus actually were on Earth. He was once a great believer. The enemy has stolen his faith through clever deception. God worked in his heart and he read a book from Lee Strobel which I bought him. I also kept praying. After this, God opened his eyes and he reconnected with Father. He stopped drinking and started going to church again. My father is now again the father that I love so much.
  • My brother had an encounter with prayer which shook him and made him realize that God actually does listen. He was in complete disbelief that his prayers were answered, because for it to have been answered, it required a miracle, but at least my God specializes in miracles.
  • My work colleagues, every single one of the five, has experience a change in attitude, direction and a passion for life has come into them which was lacking before.
  • Lumen has reduced his ‘spook’ intake significantly, he is going to church more often and the tattoo he got on his arm represents the Father’s Wings protecting him. Psalm 91 in short. My attraction towards him has improved and God has worked great things in me to reduce my reactions towards Lumen.
  • My sister who believed that she will fail maths in high school, always being her worst subject at around 50-60% has now turned around and got a distinction for it with 83% average! Moving in the opposite direction she expected and all the other kids at school is doing. All this within about 6 months!
  • My grandma whom suffered from mental instability, has regained stability. She was always the one needing help, but now she is the one helping others. She also thanks God for the change He brought into her life.
  • My very close university friend who was in a really bad place after losing almost every single drop of self confidence and life essence because of a long term emotionally abusing relationship made a 180 in less than 6 months. She used to believe that her life is meaningless and she will never amount to anything. Now there is a fire in her soul that cannot be quenched. She has even reached the finalists stage in a very selective entrepreneurship competition. Which comprised of the future’s most innovative and leading entrepreneurs in my country! The change in her life is a change most people never achieve in their lifetimes, yet, this change took place in less than 6 months. For me, it is a miracle, God’s fingerprints are all over it. He surely is the culprit of this magnificent change.
  • Lastly, but surely not least, me: I cry a lot. I cry not because of sadness, but because of joy. Because of being humbled by the amazing things I see in these people and my own life. I am humbled to think that I am given the ability to see His Hands  at work. I am humbled to think that this Amazing, Unimaginable, Unlimited Powerful, outside of time Being, comes down into my life, listens to my heart’s cries and then walks with me every moment!!! Is that not the most precious gift in all of earth and all of eternity? It feels like I am dreaming. I am willingly trying to walk as He guides me. Every moment is an adventure for me, but the best of all, is that this is just the start. I have eternity waiting for me where I will see and live face to face with this Lover of my soul.

As you can read from the list (which is not even everyone), prayer works. It works because we have a loving Father, who is always listening and very actively involved in the lives of everyone. Your believes about Him, does not affect His Love towards you, but it surely affects your ability to be aware of His Love and to receive it. But don’t despair, He is actively chasing and fighting down those believes, more than you could ever do. I have seen it in every person listed above, but firstly in my own life.

I am at a point in my life where, if I would die now, I would be happy. I would be more than happy, actually ecstatic, because I am going Home. BUT if I were to live to see another day, there is so much Joy and Love inside me that it has created this excitement in me to see where Jesus will change the bitter into sweet again, the darkness into light and the night into morning. I believe this is living in the Kingdom of God already. Oh, what a beautiful and eternally transforming gift it is. Thank YOU JESUS.

 

Emotional Pain

This post will only be me, ranting. I am writing it for myself, so if you feel any hesitation to read it, please read something else/better, like I said, this is more of a way to capture my own thoughts, for myself.

In the winter, when the cold seems to enter your bones and nothing you can do, can make the cold go away or warm you up enough. The chill makes your bones ache. Or when a sharp object is thrusted into your flesh and you see blood gushing out of it. That is how it feels like to hurt emotionally. A constant pain, that demands your attention. A pain that drains all the colour out of the world around you. A pain that is more real than anything else at that moment, yet there is no physical mark or evidence on your body. At least with physical wounds, people can see the wounds and acknowledge it, but with emotional wounds, we cannot perceive it from the body alone. If you are like me, then you have learned ways to cope, ways to hide it even further, that nobody would be able to see. Leading me to suffer alone, suffering in some deep pit. If I do not watch out, darkness becomes my friend. This friend is more of a foe. He makes you woe in your sorrows and presses deeper on the pain, only to tell you that there is no hope, there is no light and pain is all that you will feel the rest of your life.

In my previous post, I talked about warfare and like clockwork, after praying intensely for some people in my life, where Lumen was one of them, the darkness returned in all it’s dark glory, trying to take me over. At least I know something must be changing in those whom I have prayed for, since the kingdom of darkness hates what I am doing, but now, the battle for my own sanity is taking place. If I do not run to my Savior and cling to Him like a little baby, solely dependent on his caretaker, I will self destruct, destroying myself and damaging those around me.

Warfare

We fight each other every day. Killing each other with gossip, slander, hating and humiliation. We war and fight to prove that we are right, better or worthy. To have our own place in the limelight, even just for a moment. To impress others, we walk on the heads of those ‘below’ us. We climb the ladder of ‘success’, but stepping on the heads of others and with daggers in our hand we stab them in the back, just to get to the top. Everything is justified, as long as we reach the ‘top’. This is the kingdom of darkness, clothing itself with a aura of ‘light’, just enough to attract us into it’s trap, like the moth being killed by flying into the fire, thinking that he will find his ‘mate’ there.

The Kingdom of Heaven is the exact opposite. In this Kingdom, the ‘higher’ you go, the more of a servant you become. The more you give away, the more you will have. The more you do in secret, the more you are recognised. You have to die, to be able to live. You put the needs of others, above the desires of your own. You live by faith and not by what you sense or reason around you. Whatever you ask in the Name of the Lord Jesus, you will recieve. Your peace comes from an Eternal Source that cannot be bought or sold, that cannot be physically sensed, but can be fully experienced with your spirit, any place, any time. To reach the ‘top’, you have to be born again and become like a child, completely dependant on your Father, but your soul will never be poor again and freedom will radiate from your face.

These two kingdoms are constantly at war. This war is not for money, land or gold. No, they are fighting for something much much more valuable: God’s desire to return the souls of humanity back to Him. What is more valuable than your soul? The forces fighting in this battle uses people as their pawns, but our battle is not against the people. All people yearn for unconditional love. Acceptance and Support. A life overflowing with abundance. The true forms of these, can only be found in God, but the dark kingdom, has convinced the world, that you can find them in money, possessions and fame. Are we a part of this war, or just being flung around by these forces? We definetely have a significant part in it, but it remains a choice.

God does not need me to do anything He wants to, but God wants me to be a part of His plan, like a father wants his son to be a part of his life. Many times, I have thought that ‘spiritual warfare’ is blown up too much and that the ‘spiritual’ realm, cannot affect us. I am beginning to realise again, that this is simply not the case.

Everytime I would start seriously praying for someone, the darkness comes over me. Not at that instant, but the next few days. The more I pray, the greater this wave of darkness. Many many times, the past few months, I have failed… The darkness overwhelms me, making me retreat back into myself. Makes me angry or depressed, for sometimes no apparent reason. I can say with confidence that this anger and depression was completely gone, untill I started praying for these people/myself.

In my, very limited, experience with this warfare, I have seen that the bigger the wave of darkness, the more holdpoints of satan is being broken. Not broken by me, no, I have no power of my own. God breaks these chains and God restores. God compels me to pray and God is the One who does the work. Prayer sanctifies my soul and teaches me who He is. His love for all humanity. The darkness hates this and tries to fight back and after loosing their power on the person being freed, they come back to tackle me. This is where my weakness comes in, due to my own sin. I do not stay surrendered and connected to Jesus. I do not worship and this is where the enemy then penetrates me. God is faithfull to save me everytime, but I still do damage to others and myself in these states of darkness.

I want to conclude in saying that the battle is real. I have seen people being freed from addictions, hearts being changed, circumstances change and storms becoming clear waters, as God reaches down. This is incredible to experience and never ceases to amaze me, but be aware that the enemy does not just release his kingdom easily. You will be completely protected with God, but don’t try and fight the kindom of darkness without Jesus or see it as a sideline endeavour. The enemy will find a way to target you and bring you down if you fight without staying surrendered to Jesus.

 

Sleeping at last – Light

This is the second blog on the music of ‘Sleeping at Last’ that I am writing. The first one revealed a deeper meaning to me than I expected and I could see a master piece at the end. It also revealed that the song is telling a progressive story and I have a hunch that most of his songs tell a progressive story. A story that is unseen if you are not highly sensitive to the lyrics. This song (Light), for me, can be seen out of two viewpoints. The first being a father writing a song to his unborn child. The second being God, as the Father, singing a song over me, His child. For me the lyrics does not fit just one of those perspectives completely, so I believe that the song’s meaning is for us to draw the parallel between an earthly father and the Heavenly Father and His love and plans for us. For we can only understand the Father better, once we are fathers ourselves and experience the unconditional love that we have for our children. So, here it goes, my interpretation of this song:

May these words be the first
To find your ears.

He is singing before this person is born. It is almost like a lullaby to an unborn child. He wishes that these be the first words, so that it may set the theme of the child’s life. He says, to ‘find’ your ears. This is suggestive to a searching process. That the child has to search for it, or be fortunate enough to hear these words. If this was a natural father, he could just sing this to his child when the child is born, but the word ‘May’ tells us there is a chance that the child may not hear this as this as the first words.
The world is brighter than the sun
Now that you’re here.

This implies that he was looking forward to the day that that the child will be here and now the child IS here. The world is brighter, implies that there is a darkness in the world, but this child can brighten the darkness. The child can be ‘brighter’ than the sun. This implies that the natural sun’s light can be out shown by the light from this child. This can only be speaking of a metaphorical light. A light that gives metaphysical life, more than the sun’s light can give physical life.
Though your eyes will need some time to adjust
To the overwhelming light surrounding us,

The child will not be able to see in the beginning. This implies that the child will need some time, will need to grow. He is also referring to an ‘us’ now. This could refer to a natural father and mother, but why would there be ‘an overwhelming light surrounding’ parents? This makes more sense to me that it is referring to God in three persons. God is initially surrounded by such light, that we cannot understand Him. It seems blinding to us, as if we cannot know Him. We cannot see Him, until our eyes have adjusted.

I’ll give you everything I have.
I’ll teach you everything I know.

This is the Holy Spirit speaking for me. The Spirit says that He will give the child everything He has and that He will teach the child everything He knows. For me, this is the invitation that God gives us through love. Saying that He will supply all our needs and He will teach us the way to go, so that we do not perish. The psalms sing about this many times.
I promise I’ll do better.

In earthly terms, this could represent the father saying he will give the child a better life than what he had. This is often the case with fathers. They will sacrifice their lives to ensure that their children had a better life that they had while growing up. When our great Father ‘promises to do better’, He is comparing His Actions and Plans to something else. My perception is that He is comparing it to the world’s way, saying:

“I promise I will do better than the world. I will not let you be unloved, as the world will surely make you feel unloved.”
I will always hold you close,
But I will learn to let you go.

God is saying that He will always be close to you. He will never leave you or forsake you. In the second line, He also makes us aware that it remains our choice. If we decide to walk away, He will learn to let us go. He will not force us into something that we do not want to be a part of.
I promise I’ll do better.

He will do better, since He will never let you go, where the world can easily throw you on the streets. He will never force you into something that you don’t want, but the world will use manipulation and power to control and force you into many things you can’t walk away from.
I will soften every edge,

He will go before us and make our paths straight. He will guide us in every decision.

I’ll hold the world to its best,

He will give you the best that life has to offer. He will make sure your life is not just full, but overflowing.
And I’ll do better.

It will be better than the world, but it will be different to the world. The world does not see the fruits of God, as treasures, but settles for the materialistic decoy that the world supplies them. God will not do that, He will do better.
With every heartbeat I have left
I will defend your every breath,

 

As long as God is living, which is eternity, He will protect us. He defends us. We need defending from the evil one who is always accusing us and bringing our sins to remembrance. Since He Died for us, He has taken these sins away and defends us against the evil one. Enabling us to breath, to live again. This is how He will do better than the one in the world…
And I’ll do better.
’Сause you are loved.
You are loved more than you know.

Repeating the words, you are loved, emphasizes the love that He has for us. He even says that we do not know how much He loves us. It is an incomprehensible Love. This Love is there always since it is written in past tense (you are loved), requiring no action from the child.
I hereby pledge all of my days
To prove it so.

For as long as the Father lives (which is eternity), He has promised to keep on pursuing us with love. Not just to follow us, but to PROVE to us, that we are loved. He will keep on proving to us, that He loves us with a LOVE greater than our minds can comprehend. This inherently implies that we do not believe it, since it will need to be proven. For me, it is linked to our fallen nature to distrust God and believe that He does not love us, but He will keep on proving His Love for us.
Though your heart is far too young to realize
The unimaginable light you hold inside,

 

The child is here now and has started seeing, since the child has a heart and can imagine. But, He tells the child that the child is far too young. In comparison to God, we are all still babies. Our hearts cannot comprehend what the earth has seen. Even at 100 years old, the earth has soon at least 6 000 years of the human race. That is 60 times greater than we can even understand. God is even more ancient (Universe is like 2.5 billion years old). He then expands saying that there is an ‘Unimaginable’ light inside of us. This could refer to Jesus saying that no ear has heard nor eye have seen nor idea come up in the heart of man, that can tell man about the Kingdom of Heaven. I believe He is saying that there is MUCH MUCH more to us, on the inside, than we can even imagine on earth. We imagined super heroes in sci-fi books, but this is even greater than that, because we cannot imagine what He has planned.

 

I’ll give you everything I have.
I’ll teach you everything I know.
I promise I’ll do better.
I will always hold you close,
But I will learn to let you go.
I promise I’ll do better.

Chorus reminding us that He has a better plan. He will never leave us, but will also never force us, even if that means He must let us go for a while, like Prodigal Son.
I will rearrange the stars,
Pull ‘em down to where you are.

Only God can pull down the stars. The stars shine light and this could be referring to a goal/desire/vision that this person has in life. God will make sure that this person/us will obtain the stars we are searching, as long as they are stars. Stars – Light and not darkness.

He then just reaffirms that He will do better than the world. He will never stop defending us, He will make our paths straight for eternity:
I promise, I’ll do better.
With every heartbeat I have left,
I’ll defend your every breath.
I promise I’ll do better.
I will soften every edge,
Hold the world to its best.
I promise I’ll do better.
With every heartbeat I have left,
I’ll defend your every breath,
(I’ll do better.)

This reveals to us why He wishes this to be the first words that a child hears. These words will comfort the child, in knowing that he/she has an Eternal Father that will never leave them or control them, that will teach them all things and more than anything, prove His Love to them over and over, never getting tired of pursuing them. It ends by saying:

I’ll do better. Not I promise to do better. This implies that it is a fact that His Ways are better and He WILL keep his promises.

This is my interpretation and as the previous entree, may be completely opposite of what the writer had in mind, but this is the Golden Thread I see in the song and gives me so much meaning.

Sleeping at last – Mercury

I found this really interesting band called ‘Sleeping at last’. Ok I did not find them directly, youtube suggested that I listen to one song of theirs based on my other song selections and this was the start of my new favourite band. So I want to create a few blogs where I capture my enterpretation of the songs. When I was younger I always wanted my interpretation to be correct according to the writer of the song, but in time, I learned that there is no ONE CORRECT enterpretation. The CORRECT interpretation is the one that you draw out of the song. So, this is my own enterpretation and may be miles away from what the song writers had in mind, but my enterpetation gives me the most meaning and applicability to my own life. So the first song that I found from them was called ‘Mercury’ from the album ‘Atlas’.

Mercury – Sleeping at Last

Rows of houses

This is places where people live, representing different people and their personal spaces and lives
Sound asleep

They are asleep, meaning that they don’t notice him at all, he is somehow like a ghost walking past unnoticed, yet seeing everything. They can’t help him.

Only street lights

He is walking there during the night time, since the street lights are on. The street lights also light up your path and means that there is a light that nobody notices, but this light is guiding/tries to guide him through the dark streets.

Notice me

The street lights signify something that can percieve and give attention. He is alone except for the street lights and nobody else notices the struggle he is facing. They are all asleep, unaware of what he is facing.


I am desperate
If nothing else

He is searching very hard for these answers, he will do anything to get them and is willing to give up everything else to find them.

In a holding pattern
To find myself

He is analyzing the past experiences leading to this struggle. Trying to identify the cause or drive of why this keeps on happening (pattern), since he knows that this has something to do with himself. By answering this question, he would be able to find who he is.


I talk in circles
I talk in circles

This search is not easy, since it keeps on leading him in circles. As if his mind, on its own, cannot find the answer. His mind keeps on walking, keeps on searching, but the answers lead to more questions and the questions’ answers takes him back to the first question. Never reaching a destination, never finding out why are these patterns taking place.


I watch for signals
For a clue

Realising that staying in his own mind, will keep him in cirlces, he watches for some kind of signal. A signal can be anything that draws his attention and seems meaningfull, but the plural means that not everything he sees as signals, are actually signals. They can just be coincidences or meaningless events.

He hopes that the signal will give him a clue. This is like a hint to the puzzle, the puzzle that he is trying to finish but don’t know where to start.


How to feel different
How to feel new

He is trying to change his feelings. He wants to feel different to what he is feeling now. The current feelings are overwhelming him and he needs change. The change is not just any change, he would like to feel new. He wants a fresh start, a clean slate, so that what has happened can be put in the past and he can restart something else. That also implies that he feels old. The feelings have been with him for such a long time, that they have aged his soul.


Like science fiction
Bending truth

He then relates this desire to feel different and new, to science fiction that ‘bends’ truth. He feels that it is not possible in reality to really change how he is feeling or to ever feel new again. This could be because he has tried so many avenues (Streets) to find the answers he is looking for, but none has ever had the ability to change him or make him new. So this desire can only be fulfilled in science fiction, it cannot be real. But it could also further expand to FEELING LIKE science fiction. That what he is yearning for is something outside of reality, that could change reality.


No one can unring this bell
Unsound this alarm, unbreak my heart new

Here he is referring to desiring a new heart. This fits in with the desire for change and renewal. Both a bell and alarm refers to alerting someone of an event, normally which requires action. Since he is in distress and anxiety, this alarm most likely refers to his call for help. The bell that he is ringing is for someone to come save him. He is also saying that once this bell is rang, it cannot be stopped. But he also knows that no person can put his heart back together again. That it would need some supernatural event.


God knows, I am dissonance
Waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune

Here he is referring to God that knows. The street lights were the only ones who noticed him and therefore they are a picture of God and God’s light shining the way, even in the darkness of confusion and the loneliness of the night. He is saying that he is out of tune with life and he is waiting to be pulled into tune. Since we have establish that no person can change his heart and he is wating for some external force to pull him swiftly into tune, this must be referring to God. He is waiting for God to pull him back into tune, since He is the only One that can give him a new heart and align his song with the Symphony of Life, Orchestrated by God. So in desperation he calls:

I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me
I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me
I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me
I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me

Here he repeats that if God would just bring him into tune, he would go anywhere that He wants him to go. He is desperate as he said in the beginning, so desperate that he would go anywhere, do anything that He desires of him.


I know the further I go
The harder I try, only keeps my eyes closed

Now he starts finding the reason/pattern behind the struggle. He is saying that the more he walks in his own ways and try to do it on his own, the longer he remains blind. When he can’t see, he cannot sense the light around him and he will keep on walking in circles as he explained. He acknowledges that his own actions are leading him astray.


And somehow I’ve fallen in love
With this middle ground at the cost of my soul

Now he expands on why he keeps on following his own way: he has fallen in love. He is not sure how it exactly happend, but he is in love with ‘this middle ground’. The middle ground refers to the midpoint between two areas. Like grey is the midpoint between black and white. This means that the midpoint was not completely good or completely bad, but because he has fallen in love with it, he is stuck there. He is in between good and evil and that has cost him his soul. This has cost him his heart and therefore he desires to have his heart back. He has now identified where he has lost his heart. My interpretation is that he has fallen in love with another person, but this person does not feel the same way or this person is very bad to his soul, but it is general, so that you can interpret it with almost anything that you really desire.

 

Yet I know, if I stepped aside
Released the controls, you would open my eyes

In this verse, he sees the solution. He sees what he needs to do that his eyes may be opened and that he may find his way back and his heart be restored. He has to surrender all his own ideas and ways. He then says that ‘you would open my eyes’. This cannot refer to another person, since he said no person can help him. This must refer to God, that is pulling him back into tune. All that he needs to do is surrender, but he says that he knows this but that he is struggling to do it. There is still another part of the mystery that is unresolved. Why can he not just let it go.


That somehow, all of this mess
Is just my attempt to know the worth of my life…

Here is the final climax, explaining why he cannot let go. This sums up the universal truth of all man kind. He cannot let go, since what he has fallen in love with, gives him some confidence that his life has worth. He acknowledges that the ‘middle ground’ is his own attempt to give worth to his life. The driver behind all the confusion and struggle is because he does not know the worth of his own life. So the next part is my interpretation of God telling him his worth:


Made of precious metals
Precious metals
Precious metals inside
Made of precious metals
Precious metals
Precious metals inside
Made of precious metals
Precious metals
Precious metals

God tells him that he is made of precious metals inside. Gold, silver and platinum are all metals and reside inside of him. He refers to the “INSIDE” since no one can see it, where the middle ground is the “OUTSIDE”, which is seen. God directs him to look inside and see his own worth from the inside out and not trying to find his worth from the outside/concrete things. When he hears these words, he finally surrenders to God and says:


I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me
I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me

This is now not out of desperation, but out of surrender (It is not repeating so many times as the first chorus, since he is not desperate, but is giving over). Saying to God that He should have His Way and direct his path. His eyes would then open and he would be able to see the precious metals inside, know his worth and release him from the need of the middle ground. This would enable him to fall in love with God and receive a new heart, which only a supernatural act (science fiction) can achieve. This fulfilled his words where he says that no one can unring this bell. Meaning, once God hears a heart cry out to Him, He will not stop until that heart returns to the Father.

I have experienced exactly this, just before I heard this song. I really feel that this was one of the golden strings I talked about in my first post.

I am NOT okay… I promise

When they ask: “How are you?”

With a convincing smile, I would say: “I am good thanks and you?” subtly moving the object of the discussion away from myself. Why do I do this sometimes? Well, the answer is simple: Most people don’t care. Most people are too trapped in their own little worlds to even see beyond the tip of their own noses. Even when they do see further, they don’t know exactly how to react to it, so I place them in difficult circumstances by telling them the reality. No, it is better for me to reach out to others, to understand them, than it would be for me to expect others to reach out to me and understand me.

It is in times like these, where I go into a shell. I protect myself through doing this. I know this is not sustainable, but for now, it seems like the best option, as depending on other people to help me, will only lead to more pain.

Please take note, that not all people are like this. I have a few really great friends that really do care and would listen to me go on for hours on my problems and respond with a lot of care. I am referring to the daily acquaintances I have. Let me not expect them to go beyond the boundary they have put down for our ‘relationship’.

I just had to rant… So for everyone, that will never read this blog:

“I AM NOT OKAY”

 

Imagine… the first entree

As a small kid, I thought imagination was the best thing ever and developed in that field more than all others. I lived in my own little world of magic. As I grew older and the school system came to ‘order and arrange’ all thoughts with homework and routine, imagination became a place where I could live out my wild ideas. But this was more like the 30 minute break the inmates in a high security prison would recieve. (Not because of the schooling system, but because of my own mind.) My own concept of reality lead me to believe that imagination was a ‘nice-to-have’ extra in life, but life was all about work, achievement and obeying the rules.

In my teenager years, imagination was the place where my sexual thoughts and ideas would manifest. (I have learned by now) This is a very natural part of every guy’s life. Sex and sexual images is about 90% of what all guys think about when they are teenagers, but back then, I did not know as much as now and kept my sexuality and sexual images to myself. It was difficult and I had to keep my imagination to myself by suppressing them most of the time. The tabboo nature of sexuality was bad enough to make it difficult to voice and talk about, but what made it worse was that it was homosexual thougts. I thought about guys and just guys. In the small town I grew up in, it was heavily looked down on and the the topic everyone would bash on the most. I thought that everyone had these feelings for guys, but the guys just chose to not go that route but choose girls. So no one ever knew about my orientation.

So, suppression of imagination continued. Imagintation is like a fire that fuels life but needs it’s own source of energy and oxygen/air. The source of it’s energy is giving it attention and new concepts to work with. The air, is letting it manifest into reality. My sexual nature recieved none of these as I grew up. I wanted it to be killed and unknowlingly lead me to wanting to kill myself later in life. Fortunately imagination can take many forms and I gave it the fuel and air it needed with science, maths and biology. The “INTERNET” or should I say “GOOGLE” became publically available (in South Africa) when I was in Grade 10. This gave me all the material I needed to fuel my imagination in the area of science and biology. Although there was no pictures available, only words, I spent a lot of time reading/educating myself on the subjects that intruged my imagination. I started searching for the things science cannot explain and building theories to understand things that most people my age, did not even know existed. I gave my imagination air through using these things in the school projects I would do for maths, science and biology.

My imagination lead me to solve ‘complicated’ scientific school problems and ask much deeper questions about life in Biology. I went further and proved some of the theorums we had to study in maths myself. This was where my first really big OCD experience happened. I now believe (which could change in the future) that imagination can become like a huge fire. So big that it starts consuming everything in your mind and enable you to understand things that nobody else in a ‘sane’ mind can. This happened when I learned about the word ‘Phi’. Phi is referred to as the number 1.618…. This is more than just a simple number, but it is the ratio relationship between thousands and thousands of beautiful creations of nature. It is found everywhere in the human body. It is found in plants and animals. In the planets and in geometry. It is found in the most famous and beautiful paintings and even in the way that populations grow. This is one of the most intrueging mathematical mysteries that exist today. I did a project on this for mathematics. I learned a lot about this number and started seeing it everywhere. Since it was literally everywhere. Some people even refer to this number as the Divine Ratio, since this can prove that God exists due to there being a Designed Universe and not an evolved universe.

Out of all the geometrical figures that exists, the geometric figure that uses this ratio the most, is the Pentragram, which coincidently is also the most Satanistic geometric figure. This number almost consumed my being and when I would closed my eyes, I would see an image of this Pentragram. That was all I saw and it was a clear picture. I was clearly obsessed. The amount of knowledge that I accumulated in such a short space of time on this subject and my unquensiable desire to learn more about it, was a good sign to me, that I had a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, at times. Till today, this number means a lot to me, but also marks the first time I realised that I can go ‘Ape Crazy’ OCD on something I give my imagination to.

I also realised during this time, that very few people saw what I saw when I closed my eyes. When I closed my eyes, even today, I start seeing images and moving pictures of places and people I have never seen in my life (or I am sure I have not seen). They would be doing the strangest things. Sometimes it is not people at all, or anything I have seen exist on earth. When I concentrate a lot of my brain energy on one topic, I would start seeing that topic alone, but in general, when my mind is free to wander, I would see these strange images. I tried to draw these images, but they faded too quickly for me to even explain them fully, even though they are vivid in their nature. Some people would reason, that this was my mind’s way of dealing with stress, similar to how people going through shock will not feel the pain, due to the adrenaline and dopamine that their brains produce.

The whole thing about imagination was pretty mysterious to me. I loved it, but I did not understand it. Later in my life, the cult taught me that as we have five senses in the physical world, we have five senses in the soul and five senses in our spirit. Imagination was the eyes of the Soul and Faith was the eyes of the Spirit. This made a lot of sense to me. The strange thing is that just before I went into the Psychosis, I had so many visions and my imagination went crazy. I kept seeing my body growing eyes everywhere on it and they eyes were slowly opening to see things I could not see before. When all the eyes were open, the Psychosis (what the doctors called it), started. The eyes have closed again, but the supernatural experience can never be forgotten…