Emotional Pain

This post will only be me, ranting. I am writing it for myself, so if you feel any hesitation to read it, please read something else/better, like I said, this is more of a way to capture my own thoughts, for myself.

In the winter, when the cold seems to enter your bones and nothing you can do, can make the cold go away or warm you up enough. The chill makes your bones ache. Or when a sharp object is thrusted into your flesh and you see blood gushing out of it. That is how it feels like to hurt emotionally. A constant pain, that demands your attention. A pain that drains all the colour out of the world around you. A pain that is more real than anything else at that moment, yet there is no physical mark or evidence on your body. At least with physical wounds, people can see the wounds and acknowledge it, but with emotional wounds, we cannot perceive it from the body alone. If you are like me, then you have learned ways to cope, ways to hide it even further, that nobody would be able to see. Leading me to suffer alone, suffering in some deep pit. If I do not watch out, darkness becomes my friend. This friend is more of a foe. He makes you woe in your sorrows and presses deeper on the pain, only to tell you that there is no hope, there is no light and pain is all that you will feel the rest of your life.

In my previous post, I talked about warfare and like clockwork, after praying intensely for some people in my life, where Lumen was one of them, the darkness returned in all it’s dark glory, trying to take me over. At least I know something must be changing in those whom I have prayed for, since the kingdom of darkness hates what I am doing, but now, the battle for my own sanity is taking place. If I do not run to my Savior and cling to Him like a little baby, solely dependent on his caretaker, I will self destruct, destroying myself and damaging those around me.



We fight each other every day. Killing each other with gossip, slander, hating and humiliation. We war and fight to prove that we are right, better or worthy. To have our own place in the limelight, even just for a moment. To impress others, we walk on the heads of those ‘below’ us. We climb the ladder of ‘success’, but stepping on the heads of others and with daggers in our hand we stab them in the back, just to get to the top. Everything is justified, as long as we reach the ‘top’. This is the kingdom of darkness, clothing itself with a aura of ‘light’, just enough to attract us into it’s trap, like the moth being killed by flying into the fire, thinking that he will find his ‘mate’ there.

The Kingdom of Heaven is the exact opposite. In this Kingdom, the ‘higher’ you go, the more of a servant you become. The more you give away, the more you will have. The more you do in secret, the more you are recognised. You have to die, to be able to live. You put the needs of others, above the desires of your own. You live by faith and not by what you sense or reason around you. Whatever you ask in the Name of the Lord Jesus, you will recieve. Your peace comes from an Eternal Source that cannot be bought or sold, that cannot be physically sensed, but can be fully experienced with your spirit, any place, any time. To reach the ‘top’, you have to be born again and become like a child, completely dependant on your Father, but your soul will never be poor again and freedom will radiate from your face.

These two kingdoms are constantly at war. This war is not for money, land or gold. No, they are fighting for something much much more valuable: God’s desire to return the souls of humanity back to Him. What is more valuable than your soul? The forces fighting in this battle uses people as their pawns, but our battle is not against the people. All people yearn for unconditional love. Acceptance and Support. A life overflowing with abundance. The true forms of these, can only be found in God, but the dark kingdom, has convinced the world, that you can find them in money, possessions and fame. Are we a part of this war, or just being flung around by these forces? We definetely have a significant part in it, but it remains a choice.

God does not need me to do anything He wants to, but God wants me to be a part of His plan, like a father wants his son to be a part of his life. Many times, I have thought that ‘spiritual warfare’ is blown up too much and that the ‘spiritual’ realm, cannot affect us. I am beginning to realise again, that this is simply not the case.

Everytime I would start seriously praying for someone, the darkness comes over me. Not at that instant, but the next few days. The more I pray, the greater this wave of darkness. Many many times, the past few months, I have failed… The darkness overwhelms me, making me retreat back into myself. Makes me angry or depressed, for sometimes no apparent reason. I can say with confidence that this anger and depression was completely gone, untill I started praying for these people/myself.

In my, very limited, experience with this warfare, I have seen that the bigger the wave of darkness, the more holdpoints of satan is being broken. Not broken by me, no, I have no power of my own. God breaks these chains and God restores. God compels me to pray and God is the One who does the work. Prayer sanctifies my soul and teaches me who He is. His love for all humanity. The darkness hates this and tries to fight back and after loosing their power on the person being freed, they come back to tackle me. This is where my weakness comes in, due to my own sin. I do not stay surrendered and connected to Jesus. I do not worship and this is where the enemy then penetrates me. God is faithfull to save me everytime, but I still do damage to others and myself in these states of darkness.

I want to conclude in saying that the battle is real. I have seen people being freed from addictions, hearts being changed, circumstances change and storms becoming clear waters, as God reaches down. This is incredible to experience and never ceases to amaze me, but be aware that the enemy does not just release his kingdom easily. You will be completely protected with God, but don’t try and fight the kindom of darkness without Jesus or see it as a sideline endeavour. The enemy will find a way to target you and bring you down if you fight without staying surrendered to Jesus.