As a small kid, I thought imagination was the best thing ever and developed in that field more than all others. I lived in my own little world of magic. As I grew older and the school system came to ‘order and arrange’ all thoughts with homework and routine, imagination became a place where I could live out my wild ideas. But this was more like the 30 minute break the inmates in a high security prison would recieve. (Not because of the schooling system, but because of my own mind.) My own concept of reality lead me to believe that imagination was a ‘nice-to-have’ extra in life, but life was all about work, achievement and obeying the rules.
In my teenager years, imagination was the place where my sexual thoughts and ideas would manifest. (I have learned by now) This is a very natural part of every guy’s life. Sex and sexual images is about 90% of what all guys think about when they are teenagers, but back then, I did not know as much as now and kept my sexuality and sexual images to myself. It was difficult and I had to keep my imagination to myself by suppressing them most of the time. The tabboo nature of sexuality was bad enough to make it difficult to voice and talk about, but what made it worse was that it was homosexual thougts. I thought about guys and just guys. In the small town I grew up in, it was heavily looked down on and the the topic everyone would bash on the most. I thought that everyone had these feelings for guys, but the guys just chose to not go that route but choose girls. So no one ever knew about my orientation.
So, suppression of imagination continued. Imagintation is like a fire that fuels life but needs it’s own source of energy and oxygen/air. The source of it’s energy is giving it attention and new concepts to work with. The air, is letting it manifest into reality. My sexual nature recieved none of these as I grew up. I wanted it to be killed and unknowlingly lead me to wanting to kill myself later in life. Fortunately imagination can take many forms and I gave it the fuel and air it needed with science, maths and biology. The “INTERNET” or should I say “GOOGLE” became publically available (in South Africa) when I was in Grade 10. This gave me all the material I needed to fuel my imagination in the area of science and biology. Although there was no pictures available, only words, I spent a lot of time reading/educating myself on the subjects that intruged my imagination. I started searching for the things science cannot explain and building theories to understand things that most people my age, did not even know existed. I gave my imagination air through using these things in the school projects I would do for maths, science and biology.
My imagination lead me to solve ‘complicated’ scientific school problems and ask much deeper questions about life in Biology. I went further and proved some of the theorums we had to study in maths myself. This was where my first really big OCD experience happened. I now believe (which could change in the future) that imagination can become like a huge fire. So big that it starts consuming everything in your mind and enable you to understand things that nobody else in a ‘sane’ mind can. This happened when I learned about the word ‘Phi’. Phi is referred to as the number 1.618…. This is more than just a simple number, but it is the ratio relationship between thousands and thousands of beautiful creations of nature. It is found everywhere in the human body. It is found in plants and animals. In the planets and in geometry. It is found in the most famous and beautiful paintings and even in the way that populations grow. This is one of the most intrueging mathematical mysteries that exist today. I did a project on this for mathematics. I learned a lot about this number and started seeing it everywhere. Since it was literally everywhere. Some people even refer to this number as the Divine Ratio, since this can prove that God exists due to there being a Designed Universe and not an evolved universe.
Out of all the geometrical figures that exists, the geometric figure that uses this ratio the most, is the Pentragram, which coincidently is also the most Satanistic geometric figure. This number almost consumed my being and when I would closed my eyes, I would see an image of this Pentragram. That was all I saw and it was a clear picture. I was clearly obsessed. The amount of knowledge that I accumulated in such a short space of time on this subject and my unquensiable desire to learn more about it, was a good sign to me, that I had a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, at times. Till today, this number means a lot to me, but also marks the first time I realised that I can go ‘Ape Crazy’ OCD on something I give my imagination to.
I also realised during this time, that very few people saw what I saw when I closed my eyes. When I closed my eyes, even today, I start seeing images and moving pictures of places and people I have never seen in my life (or I am sure I have not seen). They would be doing the strangest things. Sometimes it is not people at all, or anything I have seen exist on earth. When I concentrate a lot of my brain energy on one topic, I would start seeing that topic alone, but in general, when my mind is free to wander, I would see these strange images. I tried to draw these images, but they faded too quickly for me to even explain them fully, even though they are vivid in their nature. Some people would reason, that this was my mind’s way of dealing with stress, similar to how people going through shock will not feel the pain, due to the adrenaline and dopamine that their brains produce.
The whole thing about imagination was pretty mysterious to me. I loved it, but I did not understand it. Later in my life, the cult taught me that as we have five senses in the physical world, we have five senses in the soul and five senses in our spirit. Imagination was the eyes of the Soul and Faith was the eyes of the Spirit. This made a lot of sense to me. The strange thing is that just before I went into the Psychosis, I had so many visions and my imagination went crazy. I kept seeing my body growing eyes everywhere on it and they eyes were slowly opening to see things I could not see before. When all the eyes were open, the Psychosis (what the doctors called it), started. The eyes have closed again, but the supernatural experience can never be forgotten…