The Last Push

The last push for me starting this blog, is my current need to express my thoughts, desires and emotions in an anonymous, yet completely ‘filter less’ way. A good friend suggested I try blogging, I always wanted to and now I needed to.

Currently I am working in a small team of 6 people (including my manager). Even though my work building has more than 400 people, it is only us 6 who make things happen for our little cul-de-sac. In 2015 I was allocated to be the mentor of a new chemical engineer, I will refer to him as Lumen. From 2015 till august 2016, Lumen and myself worked well together. He progressed very well and took on more projects. He helped out with a lot of the workload I had to carry. He is of a different ethnic origin as myself, our cultures differed immensely and our character’s were literally opposites.

One day I was feeling sad about something and Lumen invited me over to his place. We talked a while and started sharing things about our lives with each other which we have never done before. I started seeing the real Lumen through the thick wall around his well guarded heart and I also opened up (ever so slightly) a little more of me.

(PAUSE: This is the main concept in this blog today, that when one heart connects with another, even just a little, a very unique bond is grown between the two hearts, a bond that gives so much joy, but if not careful, can also consume at least one of the hearts.)

After this bond connected us in a new way, I started speaking to Lumen more and trusting him with more and more of myself, as he also did. Now before you think Lumen is gay, he is definitely NOT. He absolutely despised gay people. He is one of the biggest players I have ever met and girls almost ‘fall’ at his feet, as he is charismatic, good looking, intelligent and (most of all) full of self confidence. I then, as a gay guy, starting realizing that I am getting more and more attracted to him. He was blatantly honest with his failures and I learnt to become more honest with mine as well. He taught me many things, even though he is three years younger than me.

I then hit a bad patch as my gay cousin went through hell and it upset me how he was treated, that it started affecting me emotionally at work. Lumen then asked me more about this cousin and I realized that this was possibly a way to tell him that I am gay. Don’t ask me why a gay guy would tell his painfully straight jock friend that he is gay, but I wanted to anyway. I felt I needed to. I cannot live in this visage of falseness with such a close friend. So one evening I was at his place and I talked about my cousin again and I started expanding on it and then I switched to explain that you cannot choose the cards you are dealt, you can only decide how you are going to play them. He then said, ‘well you always have a choice’. He went into a homophobic rampage against gay people and how wrong it should be and I immediately started withdrawing and I knew he realized at that point in time that I am gay. I could see the sudden regret on his face. Just a few moments before that he said, “If my son was gay, I would punch him till he becomes straight. If he is still not straight, I will ensure that he gets so many girls that they turn him straight.”

This hurt me soooo much, as I have battled against myself in not wanting to accept I am gay. I destroyed my life because I hated that part of me and now this ‘friend’ of mine thinks it is a ‘choice’ and one of the biggest sins. As time went on, he started hinting to me that he knows I am gay and about a month after that homophobic night, I confessed to him my sexuality. His response then really deepened our friendship, as he accepted me completely. He apologized for his ‘reaction’ to gay people, as he was just playing the typical ‘Jock’ role, as required from his stature. He did warn me though that I should not make a move on him, as that would result in a nose bleed for me, but I am still his “Boy”. This meant that I am part of his inner circle of friends and he will do almost anything for them. I would also do almost anything for him as well.

At that point in time, the bond started becoming so strong, that my heart started aching to be around him. During the month’s after that, LIFE/THE UNIVERSE constructed it in such a way that Lumen and myself had to spend a lot of time together for work. At office work and site work. We lived in the same beach-front apartment for almost a week (for work reasons). During this time, my heart’s desire grew into an obsession. An obsession that started small but slowly consumed my whole thought process. In the next few blogs I will talk about this obsession more, as I have learned we all have some form of obsession at least once in our lives.

Lumen and I are very close today. We are like brothers of Yin and Yang. His Yang has changed my Yin and my Yin has changed his Yang, but according to logic and reason, we should still be on the opposite sides of life, but through friendship we have become a complimentary synergy. If only the heart was tamable by human hands, then Yin would not have almost destroyed Yang, as Yang unknowingly destroyed Yin…. giving me that last Push to start this blog.

Welcome to my Life

This is my first blog… ever. Since I will stay anonymous, I will be freely speaking about many things in my personal life which very few people know or able to be honest about. So as an introduction, let me state just how much of an Iceberg my life is:

The Part of the Iceberg above water (Which most people know):

I am a qualified chemical engineer working for a big company and making a difference in it. I have won a few awards for my work, went to an international conference last year and made an impact there. People almost always say that I am the most approachable person they know. I have amazing true friends who mean the world to me. A family that supports me. I absolutely love helping people and seeing them grow, that is my passion. I won the mentor of the year award at my work in 2016 and helped multiple people, in my free time, pass their mathematics and some of them even achieving distinctions where they previously could not understand the work. I now believe I can achieve whatever I want to, limits are only in our minds, the world is filled with opportunity…

The large part of the iceberg under the water (Which very few people know):

I will try to keep it short… Brace yourself…

I am a gay man and in my effort to ‘cure’ my ‘disease’ I went further into religion, to the extent where I unknowingly joined a religious cult. They obviously believed it was one of the biggest sins and I fought against it harder and harder. I fell in love with a straight guy that was in the cult with me and the obsession started. It grew stronger and stronger the more I fought it and the more I ‘gave up’ my life, for the vision of the cult. I felt close to God in that time. The obsession and strange teachings from the cult (and some divine intervention), lead me to a psychosis in 2012 just before my 23rd Birthday. My pastor then mentally, spiritually and even physically hurt me when I went to him for help and in my confused state, some good people found me and I was taken to hospital. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and lost almost everything dear to me at that time. I lost my family (Church family) and was rescued by my ‘biological’ family, whom I have almost written off due to the cult brain washing. That same brainwashing made my ‘chosen’ family (cult) to push me away, shun me and call me demon possessed. I lost my ability to think, reason and problem solve, which was one of my biggest idols. Being so angry with God, I threw away my faith. I lost my heart and desire to live. If it was not for this ‘biological’ family who showed me what REAL LOVE meant, I would have surely taken my life. I was then further diagnosed with major depression with psychotic tendencies. This diagnosis put me on many pills, each one making me feel less emotions, less human. I hated everything bout myself. In the process of 1 year, I gained more than 20 kg in fat, becoming obese. At that point I had to realize I am an obese, gay, brainwashed man with a mental illness. At the age of 24 I felt my life was already over…

My life is very different now and I have learned that the deeper the roots of a tree, the higher up it can grow. The seasons also make the tree change. Trees are beautiful in Spring with blossoms, in Summer they give us nourishment from their fruits, in Autumn they have beautiful leaves, but then start losing them and in Winter they are barren and look dead, with almost no beauty. We are like these trees and life will take us through the same seasons, but even in the winter, the tree still grows and gets stronger to make the next winter more bearable.