Night may be sorrowful, but in the Morning there is JOY!

I have realized I have not posted a blog in a very long time. Phew, a lot has happened after my previous morbid post. The main idea behind this post is the heading: Even though there may be many crying and despair in the night, in die darkness and cold, the morning is always coming and when the sun rises, it brings with it Light, warms and hopeful expectations. The evil monsters around you turn into the little shadows they actually always were. The morning brings joy, so much of it, but just before the morning begins, there is often times much sorrow.

I have been praying for those people in my life and yes, the battle for my own sanity was quite intense, but just because I tried to fight the battle in my own capacity. After my previous post, I spent some time with God. I worshiped, talked, listened and just hanged out with Him. Then the sun started to rise again. My eyes opened up again and I could see. In short here are some people I prayed for and what happened in their lives. I am not taking any credit, all glory is to God, the One who hears my prayers and actively works in the lives of all around me, but from my perspective, mostly in me :-). Real people, real stories that I have witnessed myself:

  • My aunt: After struggling with years of depression, gaining like 30 kg in weight, cannot stay awake even in mid conversations falling asleep, going to every doctor and even pseudo scientific doctors, no one could help. Her life suddenly made a 180 (suddenly = miracle from God in my eyes). She lost 20 kg already, got a great new job, is positive again and became who she was once before. In her own words, she says God has changed her life again.
  • My father (whom is an alcoholic) was also in disbelief that Jesus actually were on Earth. He was once a great believer. The enemy has stolen his faith through clever deception. God worked in his heart and he read a book from Lee Strobel which I bought him. I also kept praying. After this, God opened his eyes and he reconnected with Father. He stopped drinking and started going to church again. My father is now again the father that I love so much.
  • My brother had an encounter with prayer which shook him and made him realize that God actually does listen. He was in complete disbelief that his prayers were answered, because for it to have been answered, it required a miracle, but at least my God specializes in miracles.
  • My work colleagues, every single one of the five, has experience a change in attitude, direction and a passion for life has come into them which was lacking before.
  • Lumen has reduced his ‘spook’ intake significantly, he is going to church more often and the tattoo he got on his arm represents the Father’s Wings protecting him. Psalm 91 in short. My attraction towards him has improved and God has worked great things in me to reduce my reactions towards Lumen.
  • My sister who believed that she will fail maths in high school, always being her worst subject at around 50-60% has now turned around and got a distinction for it with 83% average! Moving in the opposite direction she expected and all the other kids at school is doing. All this within about 6 months!
  • My grandma whom suffered from mental instability, has regained stability. She was always the one needing help, but now she is the one helping others. She also thanks God for the change He brought into her life.
  • My very close university friend who was in a really bad place after losing almost every single drop of self confidence and life essence because of a long term emotionally abusing relationship made a 180 in less than 6 months. She used to believe that her life is meaningless and she will never amount to anything. Now there is a fire in her soul that cannot be quenched. She has even reached the finalists stage in a very selective entrepreneurship competition. Which comprised of the future’s most innovative and leading entrepreneurs in my country! The change in her life is a change most people never achieve in their lifetimes, yet, this change took place in less than 6 months. For me, it is a miracle, God’s fingerprints are all over it. He surely is the culprit of this magnificent change.
  • Lastly, but surely not least, me: I cry a lot. I cry not because of sadness, but because of joy. Because of being humbled by the amazing things I see in these people and my own life. I am humbled to think that I am given the ability to see His Hands  at work. I am humbled to think that this Amazing, Unimaginable, Unlimited Powerful, outside of time Being, comes down into my life, listens to my heart’s cries and then walks with me every moment!!! Is that not the most precious gift in all of earth and all of eternity? It feels like I am dreaming. I am willingly trying to walk as He guides me. Every moment is an adventure for me, but the best of all, is that this is just the start. I have eternity waiting for me where I will see and live face to face with this Lover of my soul.

As you can read from the list (which is not even everyone), prayer works. It works because we have a loving Father, who is always listening and very actively involved in the lives of everyone. Your believes about Him, does not affect His Love towards you, but it surely affects your ability to be aware of His Love and to receive it. But don’t despair, He is actively chasing and fighting down those believes, more than you could ever do. I have seen it in every person listed above, but firstly in my own life.

I am at a point in my life where, if I would die now, I would be happy. I would be more than happy, actually ecstatic, because I am going Home. BUT if I were to live to see another day, there is so much Joy and Love inside me that it has created this excitement in me to see where Jesus will change the bitter into sweet again, the darkness into light and the night into morning. I believe this is living in the Kingdom of God already. Oh, what a beautiful and eternally transforming gift it is. Thank YOU JESUS.

 

Emotional Pain

This post will only be me, ranting. I am writing it for myself, so if you feel any hesitation to read it, please read something else/better, like I said, this is more of a way to capture my own thoughts, for myself.

In the winter, when the cold seems to enter your bones and nothing you can do, can make the cold go away or warm you up enough. The chill makes your bones ache. Or when a sharp object is thrusted into your flesh and you see blood gushing out of it. That is how it feels like to hurt emotionally. A constant pain, that demands your attention. A pain that drains all the colour out of the world around you. A pain that is more real than anything else at that moment, yet there is no physical mark or evidence on your body. At least with physical wounds, people can see the wounds and acknowledge it, but with emotional wounds, we cannot perceive it from the body alone. If you are like me, then you have learned ways to cope, ways to hide it even further, that nobody would be able to see. Leading me to suffer alone, suffering in some deep pit. If I do not watch out, darkness becomes my friend. This friend is more of a foe. He makes you woe in your sorrows and presses deeper on the pain, only to tell you that there is no hope, there is no light and pain is all that you will feel the rest of your life.

In my previous post, I talked about warfare and like clockwork, after praying intensely for some people in my life, where Lumen was one of them, the darkness returned in all it’s dark glory, trying to take me over. At least I know something must be changing in those whom I have prayed for, since the kingdom of darkness hates what I am doing, but now, the battle for my own sanity is taking place. If I do not run to my Savior and cling to Him like a little baby, solely dependent on his caretaker, I will self destruct, destroying myself and damaging those around me.

Warfare

We fight each other every day. Killing each other with gossip, slander, hating and humiliation. We war and fight to prove that we are right, better or worthy. To have our own place in the limelight, even just for a moment. To impress others, we walk on the heads of those ‘below’ us. We climb the ladder of ‘success’, but stepping on the heads of others and with daggers in our hand we stab them in the back, just to get to the top. Everything is justified, as long as we reach the ‘top’. This is the kingdom of darkness, clothing itself with a aura of ‘light’, just enough to attract us into it’s trap, like the moth being killed by flying into the fire, thinking that he will find his ‘mate’ there.

The Kingdom of Heaven is the exact opposite. In this Kingdom, the ‘higher’ you go, the more of a servant you become. The more you give away, the more you will have. The more you do in secret, the more you are recognised. You have to die, to be able to live. You put the needs of others, above the desires of your own. You live by faith and not by what you sense or reason around you. Whatever you ask in the Name of the Lord Jesus, you will recieve. Your peace comes from an Eternal Source that cannot be bought or sold, that cannot be physically sensed, but can be fully experienced with your spirit, any place, any time. To reach the ‘top’, you have to be born again and become like a child, completely dependant on your Father, but your soul will never be poor again and freedom will radiate from your face.

These two kingdoms are constantly at war. This war is not for money, land or gold. No, they are fighting for something much much more valuable: God’s desire to return the souls of humanity back to Him. What is more valuable than your soul? The forces fighting in this battle uses people as their pawns, but our battle is not against the people. All people yearn for unconditional love. Acceptance and Support. A life overflowing with abundance. The true forms of these, can only be found in God, but the dark kingdom, has convinced the world, that you can find them in money, possessions and fame. Are we a part of this war, or just being flung around by these forces? We definetely have a significant part in it, but it remains a choice.

God does not need me to do anything He wants to, but God wants me to be a part of His plan, like a father wants his son to be a part of his life. Many times, I have thought that ‘spiritual warfare’ is blown up too much and that the ‘spiritual’ realm, cannot affect us. I am beginning to realise again, that this is simply not the case.

Everytime I would start seriously praying for someone, the darkness comes over me. Not at that instant, but the next few days. The more I pray, the greater this wave of darkness. Many many times, the past few months, I have failed… The darkness overwhelms me, making me retreat back into myself. Makes me angry or depressed, for sometimes no apparent reason. I can say with confidence that this anger and depression was completely gone, untill I started praying for these people/myself.

In my, very limited, experience with this warfare, I have seen that the bigger the wave of darkness, the more holdpoints of satan is being broken. Not broken by me, no, I have no power of my own. God breaks these chains and God restores. God compels me to pray and God is the One who does the work. Prayer sanctifies my soul and teaches me who He is. His love for all humanity. The darkness hates this and tries to fight back and after loosing their power on the person being freed, they come back to tackle me. This is where my weakness comes in, due to my own sin. I do not stay surrendered and connected to Jesus. I do not worship and this is where the enemy then penetrates me. God is faithfull to save me everytime, but I still do damage to others and myself in these states of darkness.

I want to conclude in saying that the battle is real. I have seen people being freed from addictions, hearts being changed, circumstances change and storms becoming clear waters, as God reaches down. This is incredible to experience and never ceases to amaze me, but be aware that the enemy does not just release his kingdom easily. You will be completely protected with God, but don’t try and fight the kindom of darkness without Jesus or see it as a sideline endeavour. The enemy will find a way to target you and bring you down if you fight without staying surrendered to Jesus.

 

Sleeping at last – Light

This is the second blog on the music of ‘Sleeping at Last’ that I am writing. The first one revealed a deeper meaning to me than I expected and I could see a master piece at the end. It also revealed that the song is telling a progressive story and I have a hunch that most of his songs tell a progressive story. A story that is unseen if you are not highly sensitive to the lyrics. This song (Light), for me, can be seen out of two viewpoints. The first being a father writing a song to his unborn child. The second being God, as the Father, singing a song over me, His child. For me the lyrics does not fit just one of those perspectives completely, so I believe that the song’s meaning is for us to draw the parallel between an earthly father and the Heavenly Father and His love and plans for us. For we can only understand the Father better, once we are fathers ourselves and experience the unconditional love that we have for our children. So, here it goes, my interpretation of this song:

May these words be the first
To find your ears.

He is singing before this person is born. It is almost like a lullaby to an unborn child. He wishes that these be the first words, so that it may set the theme of the child’s life. He says, to ‘find’ your ears. This is suggestive to a searching process. That the child has to search for it, or be fortunate enough to hear these words. If this was a natural father, he could just sing this to his child when the child is born, but the word ‘May’ tells us there is a chance that the child may not hear this as this as the first words.
The world is brighter than the sun
Now that you’re here.

This implies that he was looking forward to the day that that the child will be here and now the child IS here. The world is brighter, implies that there is a darkness in the world, but this child can brighten the darkness. The child can be ‘brighter’ than the sun. This implies that the natural sun’s light can be out shown by the light from this child. This can only be speaking of a metaphorical light. A light that gives metaphysical life, more than the sun’s light can give physical life.
Though your eyes will need some time to adjust
To the overwhelming light surrounding us,

The child will not be able to see in the beginning. This implies that the child will need some time, will need to grow. He is also referring to an ‘us’ now. This could refer to a natural father and mother, but why would there be ‘an overwhelming light surrounding’ parents? This makes more sense to me that it is referring to God in three persons. God is initially surrounded by such light, that we cannot understand Him. It seems blinding to us, as if we cannot know Him. We cannot see Him, until our eyes have adjusted.

I’ll give you everything I have.
I’ll teach you everything I know.

This is the Holy Spirit speaking for me. The Spirit says that He will give the child everything He has and that He will teach the child everything He knows. For me, this is the invitation that God gives us through love. Saying that He will supply all our needs and He will teach us the way to go, so that we do not perish. The psalms sing about this many times.
I promise I’ll do better.

In earthly terms, this could represent the father saying he will give the child a better life than what he had. This is often the case with fathers. They will sacrifice their lives to ensure that their children had a better life that they had while growing up. When our great Father ‘promises to do better’, He is comparing His Actions and Plans to something else. My perception is that He is comparing it to the world’s way, saying:

“I promise I will do better than the world. I will not let you be unloved, as the world will surely make you feel unloved.”
I will always hold you close,
But I will learn to let you go.

God is saying that He will always be close to you. He will never leave you or forsake you. In the second line, He also makes us aware that it remains our choice. If we decide to walk away, He will learn to let us go. He will not force us into something that we do not want to be a part of.
I promise I’ll do better.

He will do better, since He will never let you go, where the world can easily throw you on the streets. He will never force you into something that you don’t want, but the world will use manipulation and power to control and force you into many things you can’t walk away from.
I will soften every edge,

He will go before us and make our paths straight. He will guide us in every decision.

I’ll hold the world to its best,

He will give you the best that life has to offer. He will make sure your life is not just full, but overflowing.
And I’ll do better.

It will be better than the world, but it will be different to the world. The world does not see the fruits of God, as treasures, but settles for the materialistic decoy that the world supplies them. God will not do that, He will do better.
With every heartbeat I have left
I will defend your every breath,

 

As long as God is living, which is eternity, He will protect us. He defends us. We need defending from the evil one who is always accusing us and bringing our sins to remembrance. Since He Died for us, He has taken these sins away and defends us against the evil one. Enabling us to breath, to live again. This is how He will do better than the one in the world…
And I’ll do better.
’Сause you are loved.
You are loved more than you know.

Repeating the words, you are loved, emphasizes the love that He has for us. He even says that we do not know how much He loves us. It is an incomprehensible Love. This Love is there always since it is written in past tense (you are loved), requiring no action from the child.
I hereby pledge all of my days
To prove it so.

For as long as the Father lives (which is eternity), He has promised to keep on pursuing us with love. Not just to follow us, but to PROVE to us, that we are loved. He will keep on proving to us, that He loves us with a LOVE greater than our minds can comprehend. This inherently implies that we do not believe it, since it will need to be proven. For me, it is linked to our fallen nature to distrust God and believe that He does not love us, but He will keep on proving His Love for us.
Though your heart is far too young to realize
The unimaginable light you hold inside,

 

The child is here now and has started seeing, since the child has a heart and can imagine. But, He tells the child that the child is far too young. In comparison to God, we are all still babies. Our hearts cannot comprehend what the earth has seen. Even at 100 years old, the earth has soon at least 6 000 years of the human race. That is 60 times greater than we can even understand. God is even more ancient (Universe is like 2.5 billion years old). He then expands saying that there is an ‘Unimaginable’ light inside of us. This could refer to Jesus saying that no ear has heard nor eye have seen nor idea come up in the heart of man, that can tell man about the Kingdom of Heaven. I believe He is saying that there is MUCH MUCH more to us, on the inside, than we can even imagine on earth. We imagined super heroes in sci-fi books, but this is even greater than that, because we cannot imagine what He has planned.

 

I’ll give you everything I have.
I’ll teach you everything I know.
I promise I’ll do better.
I will always hold you close,
But I will learn to let you go.
I promise I’ll do better.

Chorus reminding us that He has a better plan. He will never leave us, but will also never force us, even if that means He must let us go for a while, like Prodigal Son.
I will rearrange the stars,
Pull ‘em down to where you are.

Only God can pull down the stars. The stars shine light and this could be referring to a goal/desire/vision that this person has in life. God will make sure that this person/us will obtain the stars we are searching, as long as they are stars. Stars – Light and not darkness.

He then just reaffirms that He will do better than the world. He will never stop defending us, He will make our paths straight for eternity:
I promise, I’ll do better.
With every heartbeat I have left,
I’ll defend your every breath.
I promise I’ll do better.
I will soften every edge,
Hold the world to its best.
I promise I’ll do better.
With every heartbeat I have left,
I’ll defend your every breath,
(I’ll do better.)

This reveals to us why He wishes this to be the first words that a child hears. These words will comfort the child, in knowing that he/she has an Eternal Father that will never leave them or control them, that will teach them all things and more than anything, prove His Love to them over and over, never getting tired of pursuing them. It ends by saying:

I’ll do better. Not I promise to do better. This implies that it is a fact that His Ways are better and He WILL keep his promises.

This is my interpretation and as the previous entree, may be completely opposite of what the writer had in mind, but this is the Golden Thread I see in the song and gives me so much meaning.

Sleeping at last – Mercury

I found this really interesting band called ‘Sleeping at last’. Ok I did not find them directly, youtube suggested that I listen to one song of theirs based on my other song selections and this was the start of my new favourite band. So I want to create a few blogs where I capture my enterpretation of the songs. When I was younger I always wanted my interpretation to be correct according to the writer of the song, but in time, I learned that there is no ONE CORRECT enterpretation. The CORRECT interpretation is the one that you draw out of the song. So, this is my own enterpretation and may be miles away from what the song writers had in mind, but my enterpetation gives me the most meaning and applicability to my own life. So the first song that I found from them was called ‘Mercury’ from the album ‘Atlas’.

Mercury – Sleeping at Last

Rows of houses

This is places where people live, representing different people and their personal spaces and lives
Sound asleep

They are asleep, meaning that they don’t notice him at all, he is somehow like a ghost walking past unnoticed, yet seeing everything. They can’t help him.

Only street lights

He is walking there during the night time, since the street lights are on. The street lights also light up your path and means that there is a light that nobody notices, but this light is guiding/tries to guide him through the dark streets.

Notice me

The street lights signify something that can percieve and give attention. He is alone except for the street lights and nobody else notices the struggle he is facing. They are all asleep, unaware of what he is facing.


I am desperate
If nothing else

He is searching very hard for these answers, he will do anything to get them and is willing to give up everything else to find them.

In a holding pattern
To find myself

He is analyzing the past experiences leading to this struggle. Trying to identify the cause or drive of why this keeps on happening (pattern), since he knows that this has something to do with himself. By answering this question, he would be able to find who he is.


I talk in circles
I talk in circles

This search is not easy, since it keeps on leading him in circles. As if his mind, on its own, cannot find the answer. His mind keeps on walking, keeps on searching, but the answers lead to more questions and the questions’ answers takes him back to the first question. Never reaching a destination, never finding out why are these patterns taking place.


I watch for signals
For a clue

Realising that staying in his own mind, will keep him in cirlces, he watches for some kind of signal. A signal can be anything that draws his attention and seems meaningfull, but the plural means that not everything he sees as signals, are actually signals. They can just be coincidences or meaningless events.

He hopes that the signal will give him a clue. This is like a hint to the puzzle, the puzzle that he is trying to finish but don’t know where to start.


How to feel different
How to feel new

He is trying to change his feelings. He wants to feel different to what he is feeling now. The current feelings are overwhelming him and he needs change. The change is not just any change, he would like to feel new. He wants a fresh start, a clean slate, so that what has happened can be put in the past and he can restart something else. That also implies that he feels old. The feelings have been with him for such a long time, that they have aged his soul.


Like science fiction
Bending truth

He then relates this desire to feel different and new, to science fiction that ‘bends’ truth. He feels that it is not possible in reality to really change how he is feeling or to ever feel new again. This could be because he has tried so many avenues (Streets) to find the answers he is looking for, but none has ever had the ability to change him or make him new. So this desire can only be fulfilled in science fiction, it cannot be real. But it could also further expand to FEELING LIKE science fiction. That what he is yearning for is something outside of reality, that could change reality.


No one can unring this bell
Unsound this alarm, unbreak my heart new

Here he is referring to desiring a new heart. This fits in with the desire for change and renewal. Both a bell and alarm refers to alerting someone of an event, normally which requires action. Since he is in distress and anxiety, this alarm most likely refers to his call for help. The bell that he is ringing is for someone to come save him. He is also saying that once this bell is rang, it cannot be stopped. But he also knows that no person can put his heart back together again. That it would need some supernatural event.


God knows, I am dissonance
Waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune

Here he is referring to God that knows. The street lights were the only ones who noticed him and therefore they are a picture of God and God’s light shining the way, even in the darkness of confusion and the loneliness of the night. He is saying that he is out of tune with life and he is waiting to be pulled into tune. Since we have establish that no person can change his heart and he is wating for some external force to pull him swiftly into tune, this must be referring to God. He is waiting for God to pull him back into tune, since He is the only One that can give him a new heart and align his song with the Symphony of Life, Orchestrated by God. So in desperation he calls:

I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me
I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me
I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me
I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me

Here he repeats that if God would just bring him into tune, he would go anywhere that He wants him to go. He is desperate as he said in the beginning, so desperate that he would go anywhere, do anything that He desires of him.


I know the further I go
The harder I try, only keeps my eyes closed

Now he starts finding the reason/pattern behind the struggle. He is saying that the more he walks in his own ways and try to do it on his own, the longer he remains blind. When he can’t see, he cannot sense the light around him and he will keep on walking in circles as he explained. He acknowledges that his own actions are leading him astray.


And somehow I’ve fallen in love
With this middle ground at the cost of my soul

Now he expands on why he keeps on following his own way: he has fallen in love. He is not sure how it exactly happend, but he is in love with ‘this middle ground’. The middle ground refers to the midpoint between two areas. Like grey is the midpoint between black and white. This means that the midpoint was not completely good or completely bad, but because he has fallen in love with it, he is stuck there. He is in between good and evil and that has cost him his soul. This has cost him his heart and therefore he desires to have his heart back. He has now identified where he has lost his heart. My interpretation is that he has fallen in love with another person, but this person does not feel the same way or this person is very bad to his soul, but it is general, so that you can interpret it with almost anything that you really desire.

 

Yet I know, if I stepped aside
Released the controls, you would open my eyes

In this verse, he sees the solution. He sees what he needs to do that his eyes may be opened and that he may find his way back and his heart be restored. He has to surrender all his own ideas and ways. He then says that ‘you would open my eyes’. This cannot refer to another person, since he said no person can help him. This must refer to God, that is pulling him back into tune. All that he needs to do is surrender, but he says that he knows this but that he is struggling to do it. There is still another part of the mystery that is unresolved. Why can he not just let it go.


That somehow, all of this mess
Is just my attempt to know the worth of my life…

Here is the final climax, explaining why he cannot let go. This sums up the universal truth of all man kind. He cannot let go, since what he has fallen in love with, gives him some confidence that his life has worth. He acknowledges that the ‘middle ground’ is his own attempt to give worth to his life. The driver behind all the confusion and struggle is because he does not know the worth of his own life. So the next part is my interpretation of God telling him his worth:


Made of precious metals
Precious metals
Precious metals inside
Made of precious metals
Precious metals
Precious metals inside
Made of precious metals
Precious metals
Precious metals

God tells him that he is made of precious metals inside. Gold, silver and platinum are all metals and reside inside of him. He refers to the “INSIDE” since no one can see it, where the middle ground is the “OUTSIDE”, which is seen. God directs him to look inside and see his own worth from the inside out and not trying to find his worth from the outside/concrete things. When he hears these words, he finally surrenders to God and says:


I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me
I’ll go anywhere you want
Anywhere you want me

This is now not out of desperation, but out of surrender (It is not repeating so many times as the first chorus, since he is not desperate, but is giving over). Saying to God that He should have His Way and direct his path. His eyes would then open and he would be able to see the precious metals inside, know his worth and release him from the need of the middle ground. This would enable him to fall in love with God and receive a new heart, which only a supernatural act (science fiction) can achieve. This fulfilled his words where he says that no one can unring this bell. Meaning, once God hears a heart cry out to Him, He will not stop until that heart returns to the Father.

I have experienced exactly this, just before I heard this song. I really feel that this was one of the golden strings I talked about in my first post.

I am NOT okay… I promise

When they ask: “How are you?”

With a convincing smile, I would say: “I am good thanks and you?” subtly moving the object of the discussion away from myself. Why do I do this sometimes? Well, the answer is simple: Most people don’t care. Most people are too trapped in their own little worlds to even see beyond the tip of their own noses. Even when they do see further, they don’t know exactly how to react to it, so I place them in difficult circumstances by telling them the reality. No, it is better for me to reach out to others, to understand them, than it would be for me to expect others to reach out to me and understand me.

It is in times like these, where I go into a shell. I protect myself through doing this. I know this is not sustainable, but for now, it seems like the best option, as depending on other people to help me, will only lead to more pain.

Please take note, that not all people are like this. I have a few really great friends that really do care and would listen to me go on for hours on my problems and respond with a lot of care. I am referring to the daily acquaintances I have. Let me not expect them to go beyond the boundary they have put down for our ‘relationship’.

I just had to rant… So for everyone, that will never read this blog:

“I AM NOT OKAY”

 

Imagine… the first entree

As a small kid, I thought imagination was the best thing ever and developed in that field more than all others. I lived in my own little world of magic. As I grew older and the school system came to ‘order and arrange’ all thoughts with homework and routine, imagination became a place where I could live out my wild ideas. But this was more like the 30 minute break the inmates in a high security prison would recieve. (Not because of the schooling system, but because of my own mind.) My own concept of reality lead me to believe that imagination was a ‘nice-to-have’ extra in life, but life was all about work, achievement and obeying the rules.

In my teenager years, imagination was the place where my sexual thoughts and ideas would manifest. (I have learned by now) This is a very natural part of every guy’s life. Sex and sexual images is about 90% of what all guys think about when they are teenagers, but back then, I did not know as much as now and kept my sexuality and sexual images to myself. It was difficult and I had to keep my imagination to myself by suppressing them most of the time. The tabboo nature of sexuality was bad enough to make it difficult to voice and talk about, but what made it worse was that it was homosexual thougts. I thought about guys and just guys. In the small town I grew up in, it was heavily looked down on and the the topic everyone would bash on the most. I thought that everyone had these feelings for guys, but the guys just chose to not go that route but choose girls. So no one ever knew about my orientation.

So, suppression of imagination continued. Imagintation is like a fire that fuels life but needs it’s own source of energy and oxygen/air. The source of it’s energy is giving it attention and new concepts to work with. The air, is letting it manifest into reality. My sexual nature recieved none of these as I grew up. I wanted it to be killed and unknowlingly lead me to wanting to kill myself later in life. Fortunately imagination can take many forms and I gave it the fuel and air it needed with science, maths and biology. The “INTERNET” or should I say “GOOGLE” became publically available (in South Africa) when I was in Grade 10. This gave me all the material I needed to fuel my imagination in the area of science and biology. Although there was no pictures available, only words, I spent a lot of time reading/educating myself on the subjects that intruged my imagination. I started searching for the things science cannot explain and building theories to understand things that most people my age, did not even know existed. I gave my imagination air through using these things in the school projects I would do for maths, science and biology.

My imagination lead me to solve ‘complicated’ scientific school problems and ask much deeper questions about life in Biology. I went further and proved some of the theorums we had to study in maths myself. This was where my first really big OCD experience happened. I now believe (which could change in the future) that imagination can become like a huge fire. So big that it starts consuming everything in your mind and enable you to understand things that nobody else in a ‘sane’ mind can. This happened when I learned about the word ‘Phi’. Phi is referred to as the number 1.618…. This is more than just a simple number, but it is the ratio relationship between thousands and thousands of beautiful creations of nature. It is found everywhere in the human body. It is found in plants and animals. In the planets and in geometry. It is found in the most famous and beautiful paintings and even in the way that populations grow. This is one of the most intrueging mathematical mysteries that exist today. I did a project on this for mathematics. I learned a lot about this number and started seeing it everywhere. Since it was literally everywhere. Some people even refer to this number as the Divine Ratio, since this can prove that God exists due to there being a Designed Universe and not an evolved universe.

Out of all the geometrical figures that exists, the geometric figure that uses this ratio the most, is the Pentragram, which coincidently is also the most Satanistic geometric figure. This number almost consumed my being and when I would closed my eyes, I would see an image of this Pentragram. That was all I saw and it was a clear picture. I was clearly obsessed. The amount of knowledge that I accumulated in such a short space of time on this subject and my unquensiable desire to learn more about it, was a good sign to me, that I had a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, at times. Till today, this number means a lot to me, but also marks the first time I realised that I can go ‘Ape Crazy’ OCD on something I give my imagination to.

I also realised during this time, that very few people saw what I saw when I closed my eyes. When I closed my eyes, even today, I start seeing images and moving pictures of places and people I have never seen in my life (or I am sure I have not seen). They would be doing the strangest things. Sometimes it is not people at all, or anything I have seen exist on earth. When I concentrate a lot of my brain energy on one topic, I would start seeing that topic alone, but in general, when my mind is free to wander, I would see these strange images. I tried to draw these images, but they faded too quickly for me to even explain them fully, even though they are vivid in their nature. Some people would reason, that this was my mind’s way of dealing with stress, similar to how people going through shock will not feel the pain, due to the adrenaline and dopamine that their brains produce.

The whole thing about imagination was pretty mysterious to me. I loved it, but I did not understand it. Later in my life, the cult taught me that as we have five senses in the physical world, we have five senses in the soul and five senses in our spirit. Imagination was the eyes of the Soul and Faith was the eyes of the Spirit. This made a lot of sense to me. The strange thing is that just before I went into the Psychosis, I had so many visions and my imagination went crazy. I kept seeing my body growing eyes everywhere on it and they eyes were slowly opening to see things I could not see before. When all the eyes were open, the Psychosis (what the doctors called it), started. The eyes have closed again, but the supernatural experience can never be forgotten…

A broken world…

Yesterday was one of those broken days… Days where you realize how broken the world is, how broken people are, how broken I am. Brutal murders and people tearing each other apart is currently a greater part of the world’s reality than love and respect is. Some of my friends getting an abortion due to being unmarried and having an unplanned pregnancy… is this not also killing of your own child? Or has the lines between black and white faded so much, that all we now can see is one shade of grey? My country’s State Of the Nation Adress (SONA) was the biggest circus that you will ever see in a parliament. This SONA indicates the instability of the county’s people. Everyday on Facebook I see how someone has been murdered on a farm but it never reaches any official media outlets. Racism is still very alive here. Homophobia is practiced and praised and sometimes even by my own family. I would share my beliefs and lessons I have learned, which are treasures to me as I paid a big price to learn them, only to find that people throw them out to the pigs and call it judgmental.

I have to ask myself WHY? WHY ARE WE SO BROKEN! Why can we not do the right thing, when we know what is the right thing to do. We know that the wrong thing would destroy others and even ourselves, yet we cannot stop destroying. From a scientific point of view, looking at the timeline since humans started exponentially growing, the human race is the most deadly and destructive virus that the Earth has ever seen. Our species alone have caused hundreds of other whole species to go extinct (Bringing forth massive extinction event in earth’s history). We burn and use so much of resources that the rest of nature has to step aside or blatantly be killed so that we can build another shopping mall, even though there is already three in that town. Lilly Allen has a song, “FEAR”, the chorus is:

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
And I’ll be taken over by the fear

Read more: Lily Allen – The Fear Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Read it again and think about the world we live in. You will see that she is singing about the world’s mentality. HUMANS = WEAPONS of MASSIVE CONSUMPTION. We have been PROGRAMMED (like robots by the world/media) to function like this. We don’t know what is RIGHT or REAL anymore (Rainbow with one grey pigment). People are still searching for answers, but the questions they are asking leads them into downward spirals of massive destruction. People ask themselves: “How can I have more?” rather than “How can I be content with what I have?”

People ask themselves: “How do I find a more attractive partner?”, rather than “How can I learn to love my partner deeper?”

People ask themselves: “How can I become more successful?”, rather than “How can my life have more meaning?”

The chorus ends with the line, ‘And I will be taken over by fear’. My interpretation of this is the FEAR OF DEATH. Running after all these ‘goals’ of money, fame and success is an empty journey that manifests itself fully the moments before death in the greatest fear of all. It only becomes clear as you ‘exit’ the ‘rat race’:

“I have spent my whole life to gather wealth and fame, now I will lose everything, I lived as if I will never die and never invested into what happens after the threshold of death, where I am standing now.”

Our souls want to live forever and inherently we know death is not the end of our souls, yet we (in general) humans, live as if our body is all there is. Pleasure and Power is all some people live for. This mentality is enforced, promoted and controlled by media, as they know that these things will program people to become MASSIVE CONSUMERS and bring in revenue to the Product Producer, giving them more money and more power.

Can you see that asking the right question is more important than finding the right answer to it?

Jesus said in Matthew 7:7, that whatever we are continually seeking after, we will find. I initially thought this meant if we seek God, we will find Him. It surely does mean that, but that is just one application. This ‘promise’ is one amazing PROMISE to every human soul. This is (in my opinion), what the LAW of ATTRACTION is, or ‘The Secret’ as some may refer to it. This ‘Law’ states that whatever you want and focus on, the ‘Universe’ would give you. You just need to focus and meditate on it enough.

When you focus and meditate on it, you become aware of it and start searching for it. You start seeking whatever you want to ‘obtain’. Jesus said that Father would give you whatever you are searching for, if you keep on searching for it. The law of attraction, in my opinion, is therefore a spin off of Matt 7:7. This means if I seek to have the most expensive Lamborghini and I seek it above all else, God would ‘reward’ my seeking, by giving it to me. This does not mean I do nothing, it means that I exhort all my time, effort and resources on seeking this Lamborghini and in time, I will receive it. But there is a side to this that few of us learn when get something we really wanted, only to realize we never needed it and we have grossly overestimated it’s value: The time spent on finding the desired object, can never be regained. This is where the FEAR sets in it’s claws.

In conclusion, I think we (humans) are the reason the world is in the broken, destructive and evil state it is in, we cannot blame God or nature. If every human has the Promise to receive what he/she is seeking after, we better make sure we are seeking for the truth/meaning and not some materialistic decoy, for once we spend our time, we have lost it forever. We destroy our own world because we are seeking ’empty goals’.

Mysteries

Since I can remember I have always had an interest in the ‘supernatural’. It has been one of my biggest desires, as a kid, to be swept away into some magical world. I also had an insanely strong imagination. From a psychological point of view, this could possibly be explained by the fact that my family life was insecure and to cope with all this, I escaped by entering into this ‘imagined’ world. I have learned though, that psychology is looking from the outside into a test tube, like dissecting a frog. You cannot cut open and see how the frog works when the frog is still alive. So when psychology looks at these things and form their theories, they don’t see the whole picture as the frog is dead, they cannot experience what the person in question is experiencing.

When I was a boy, barely starting with school, I did not really have any ‘human’ friends, but I was not lonely. Almost everyday after school, I would be outside, playing in the sand, walking through the garden and using my imagination to see wonder in every small thing. I could play with my toys for hours on end, busy telling stories of magnificent proportions that no one else would ever know about. Every time I came back, the story would continue and in this way, I think it would feel similar to how kids today watch their cartoon series.

These toys, games and activities were more than just an idea or theory, they were part of my reality. More than all of these, I had a ‘friend’ which lived in the wind. Once I started singing in the choir in grade 1, I felt that when I sing, the friend in the Wind would sing with me. I started spending hours outside playing while singing with the Wind. The more I felt the song’s emotion/energy, the more I would notice the wind blowing stronger. The wind was my friend. It felt like he communicated with me through the movement of leaves/branches or as I feel him blow over me.

I also felt like he taught me how to create ‘spells’ and I used to write down the different spells. Remember, back then there was no internet and I had no access to any information regarding ‘spells’. I also learned how to call to the wind. It is a specific sound I would make to call him. I learned this from him when I was grade 2. The strangest thing happened when I was grade 6 and we had a substitute teacher for history. A very old man, but his passion for history got us all interested in history. The one day he then told us that the old people (his grandparents) used to call the wind so that the rain can come on their farms and nourish the fields! He then made the sound that they used to call it and it was exactly the same way I called the wind! It was so strange to me, since no one ever taught me accept the wind himself. I did not believe I controlled the wind, but rather that the wind listened to me and cared for me.

When I was in grade 3, I started making friends with some classmates and I did not get as much chance to play with the wind as I used to and it became a lesser part of my life. Even though it was lesser, I sensed the wind’s presense and would frequently spend time with him throughout my primary school (till I was about 13). The belief I took hold of as an adult is that it was just my imagination that manifests in something that I really longed for, a caring friend. If I listen to my heart though, I know it was much more than just my own imagination. The mysterious and supernatural draws me to itself as I cannot accept that life is just what we can see with our physical eyes, there must be MUCH MORE.

My imagination also made itself very well known while I was sleeping in the form of dreams. I have most of my life had intense vivid dreams that I would be able to remember. When I was a kid, some of those dreams were so intense that I can remember them as if it was a clear memory of yesterday. Some of the dreams were so real and deeply meaningful that I started believing that they must be more than just dreams. I had many good dreams where I was flying or having fun, others I would almost be like an observer of people and places I have never seen in my life. Others still were very scary which paralyzed me with fear. Some dreams I would even have the ability of telekinesis. One of the dreams that I remember as clear as day was when I was about 9 years old. I was at the primary school and my parents were with me there. They were crying and saying that they will miss me, but I courageously said that they need not to worry, this is what I was meant to do. In the dream I was voluntarily given myself up to be crucified with a handful of people in the school. Picking up my cross and following God (even though in my small logic mind, I had no idea that is what the dream was saying back then). After I got on the cross and died in the dream, I was suddenly in ‘space’, where I could see thousands of stars around me and I am in a cue to go through a white hole at the start of the que. The man in front of me had white shining robes on and felt like he was an angel, but he had no wings. As a kid, I assumed that the man in front of me will know where we are going. So I asked him, “Where are we going?”, he then replied: “We are on our way to Heaven”. Just before he climbed through the white hole/portal, I asked him: “Am I going to heaven when I die?”, his answer has bothered me since that day, since he said, “Maybe” and disappeared through the portal and I woke up. This dream played a major role later in my life when I got involved in the cult, but I had many many dreams that were as vivid as this one most of my life. In recent years I have been able to sometimes control a dream completely, which they call Lucid Dreaming where I can experience anything I want to.

In the scientific field we do not know exactly why we dream, it remains a bit of a mystery. Evolutionists theorize that we dream as this gives us a virtual playground where we can learn how to deal with our present dangers and overcome them, so that we can overcome them in the ‘real’ world as well. This theory makes sense, but it remains that, a theory. Theories change over time and get replaced as we see and discover more about the investigated object. Science believed that Earth was flat at one point. Then it realized we are spherical (more oval/elliptic). It thought that we were the center of the universe, just to later realize that we are not even in the center of our own solar system, but like a spec of dust in a random part of our galaxy, which is but one galaxy of a billion other KNOWN galaxies. Then Science theorized that the universe is eternal. It has always existed and always will. This theory was so strongly accepted that Einstein fudged his equations so that the universe looks eternal, but after the evidence became overwhelming, he confessed that he fudged the equation. The correct equation revealed that the universe had a beginning and is expanding in size. In recent years they have revealed that the universe is not just expanding, but the expansion is accelerating, exponentially! Current science does not have solid theories as to why this is happening. The mathematics of matter and energy in space does not add up and the center of a black hole is impossible to comprehend with our mathematical system. In engineering the Second Law of Thermodynamics can be summed up as Entropy: The law that energy will always become more disordered (lower energy state) and why everything in life deteriorates over time. Our cells start losing their capability to copy 100% correctly and over time their life span decreases and we age, to eventually die (Talomere lengths of red bood cells decrease). This law is therefore used in all systems to explain the efficiency and degrading of itself and the law can never be broken according to the theory. Last year some scientists proved, theoretically, that this law could be BROKEN!!! We cannot begin to understand what this means for energy efficiency or even life itself.

I am saying all these things to show that theories are great to use and understand our world, but all theories have flaws and we should take note of these flaws so that we do not lift theories up to the level of absolute truth, like we do so many times. The world is much more mysterious than we think, but to understand it, we create theories in the form of mental models to simplify the world, so that we can control and work in it. It just takes one specific discovery or experience to destroy the theory and possibly, destroy your whole reality.

The Last Push

The last push for me starting this blog, is my current need to express my thoughts, desires and emotions in an anonymous, yet completely ‘filter less’ way. A good friend suggested I try blogging, I always wanted to and now I needed to.

Currently I am working in a small team of 6 people (including my manager). Even though my work building has more than 400 people, it is only us 6 who make things happen for our little cul-de-sac. In 2015 I was allocated to be the mentor of a new chemical engineer, I will refer to him as Lumen. From 2015 till august 2016, Lumen and myself worked well together. He progressed very well and took on more projects. He helped out with a lot of the workload I had to carry. He is of a different ethnic origin as myself, our cultures differed immensely and our character’s were literally opposites.

One day I was feeling sad about something and Lumen invited me over to his place. We talked a while and started sharing things about our lives with each other which we have never done before. I started seeing the real Lumen through the thick wall around his well guarded heart and I also opened up (ever so slightly) a little more of me.

(PAUSE: This is the main concept in this blog today, that when one heart connects with another, even just a little, a very unique bond is grown between the two hearts, a bond that gives so much joy, but if not careful, can also consume at least one of the hearts.)

After this bond connected us in a new way, I started speaking to Lumen more and trusting him with more and more of myself, as he also did. Now before you think Lumen is gay, he is definitely NOT. He absolutely despised gay people. He is one of the biggest players I have ever met and girls almost ‘fall’ at his feet, as he is charismatic, good looking, intelligent and (most of all) full of self confidence. I then, as a gay guy, starting realizing that I am getting more and more attracted to him. He was blatantly honest with his failures and I learnt to become more honest with mine as well. He taught me many things, even though he is three years younger than me.

I then hit a bad patch as my gay cousin went through hell and it upset me how he was treated, that it started affecting me emotionally at work. Lumen then asked me more about this cousin and I realized that this was possibly a way to tell him that I am gay. Don’t ask me why a gay guy would tell his painfully straight jock friend that he is gay, but I wanted to anyway. I felt I needed to. I cannot live in this visage of falseness with such a close friend. So one evening I was at his place and I talked about my cousin again and I started expanding on it and then I switched to explain that you cannot choose the cards you are dealt, you can only decide how you are going to play them. He then said, ‘well you always have a choice’. He went into a homophobic rampage against gay people and how wrong it should be and I immediately started withdrawing and I knew he realized at that point in time that I am gay. I could see the sudden regret on his face. Just a few moments before that he said, “If my son was gay, I would punch him till he becomes straight. If he is still not straight, I will ensure that he gets so many girls that they turn him straight.”

This hurt me soooo much, as I have battled against myself in not wanting to accept I am gay. I destroyed my life because I hated that part of me and now this ‘friend’ of mine thinks it is a ‘choice’ and one of the biggest sins. As time went on, he started hinting to me that he knows I am gay and about a month after that homophobic night, I confessed to him my sexuality. His response then really deepened our friendship, as he accepted me completely. He apologized for his ‘reaction’ to gay people, as he was just playing the typical ‘Jock’ role, as required from his stature. He did warn me though that I should not make a move on him, as that would result in a nose bleed for me, but I am still his “Boy”. This meant that I am part of his inner circle of friends and he will do almost anything for them. I would also do almost anything for him as well.

At that point in time, the bond started becoming so strong, that my heart started aching to be around him. During the month’s after that, LIFE/THE UNIVERSE constructed it in such a way that Lumen and myself had to spend a lot of time together for work. At office work and site work. We lived in the same beach-front apartment for almost a week (for work reasons). During this time, my heart’s desire grew into an obsession. An obsession that started small but slowly consumed my whole thought process. In the next few blogs I will talk about this obsession more, as I have learned we all have some form of obsession at least once in our lives.

Lumen and I are very close today. We are like brothers of Yin and Yang. His Yang has changed my Yin and my Yin has changed his Yang, but according to logic and reason, we should still be on the opposite sides of life, but through friendship we have become a complimentary synergy. If only the heart was tamable by human hands, then Yin would not have almost destroyed Yang, as Yang unknowingly destroyed Yin…. giving me that last Push to start this blog.